On a particular day in March, I got into a cab to go see someone I love. It wasn’t my first time seeing him, but my 15 minutes ride was spent trying to normalize the beating of my heart and settle the feeling in the pit of my stomach. The cab driver kept looking back at me as I scolded myself out loud. I remember trying to cover it up with a laugh, but no without earning a disapproving look from the old woman that sat beside me. And yeah, within me, I blamed him for that.
On reaching his gates, I met him standing there, looking out onto the roads. And even if he wouldn’t admit to having been waiting for me, I knew he was excited to see me. I felt it in the way he pulled me to him in a bone-crushing hug. It couldn’t have been any more obvious. But that isn’t what I am driving at.
We talked about Sasha Sloan’s thank God, and it hasn’t left me ever since. Each day as I pick up my bible to study, another perspective comes to me in a very unrequested clear form, and I find myself trying to wrap my head around it. Once again, I blame him for that.
Think about it. In the song, all the reasons she listed for her going to hell are super common things everyone must have gotten into at one point or another, like having sex before marriage, harboring impure thoughts, and not going to church unless forced to. She was bold enough to come to terms with the fact that she “sins” almost every day, but would rather have all the fun she could get in life, than wait for the fun she has no idea about in the afterlife. It challenges me, and makes me think about my conceived notion of “sin”, and what it entails.
I stumbled upon an article on an interview with Sasha, and she asked a question I ask myself every day. “What is my faith?” Sasha is an atheist, loves Ouija boards and all that comes with them, but yet, she believes there is a supreme being out there. And she suddenly realized that she wasn’t left out of God’s plan, cause well, he created hell. And she thought, “has anyone thanked this supreme being for hell?” How messed up could this get?
I wouldn’t really know, or say she’s wrong. Like herself, most children grow up with conflicting ideas of religion and faith. She grew up in a catholic school, and would not say “Jesus” during prayers because it was seen as a bad word in her home. Growing up with the mentality of “just do what makes you happy and not feel guilty about it” wouldn’t be termed as wrong then, because it is what the world birthed. And yeah, she’s confused. Keeps on asking herself if she’s the only one that feels that way.
So, what is my faith? What is your faith?
I love him for a million and one reason. But most especially, I love the way he makes me reason out things, the way he makes me hungry to learn, the way he makes me less rigid about concepts, the way he challenges me.
I’m beginning to get a clearer picture of what my faith is, and what it isn’t. It’s important you do, too.