Darkness befell me


As I sat this afternoon, I focused on the whistling sound of the breeze but that wasn’t enough to distract me as my thoughts shifted to Jimi and when he changed so much that I didn’t notice. How did I miss the signs that we never spoke about him but myself? Each time I’ll call he’d ask how I was, how my day was and we will talk about how fucked up my life was at the moment but he’d never said anything.

He always availed himself for the occasional dates that I planned, with a big smile. He always called to check in on me and listened to me rant but never did he say anything was wrong. He was always there to calm me down, tell me it will be okay, and tell me the truth that I didn’t want to admit to myself.

He always was smiling, making me laugh hard and forgetting my burdens. He never cared for what others thought about me, he knew what he saw in me and that was all he wanted to know.

Somedays I wish I could see myself with his eyes, he believed so much in me and saw my talent. Jimi my number one fan always there in the background cheering the loudest for me. He prioritized my happiness at all times, cried with me and was silent in the moments words couldn’t describe how I felt.

I now feel bad, because I said he was selfish after he left. That he had only thought about himself. Now thinking closely, I noticed how distant he had gotten. I now see clearly the pain that was hidden in his smile, how he wanted to be seen.

I think it was I who was selfish, heaping upon him without offering him a shoulder to rest on. I might have told him I’ll always be there for him, I guess I lied because I didn’t do enough.

I remember our last fight, how he had called me that day to talk about how he felt like he needed someone to rely on. How he was confused and needed guidance because he didn’t want to do it on his own. All I can remember was us fighting because I believed he should put more effort. I’d told him what to do but it felt like he didn’t listen to me so I got upset. He still called the next day to say sorry, to explain himself. Now I realize he just needed someone to talk to about how he felt, not that he didn’t know what to do and he just didn’t have the strength to do it. I could have offered to help, push him gently till he got there.

Then one day I saw my phone ring it was Tobi, I’d heard the cracking in his voice and the confusion, as he told me Jimi was dead. I felt the ground beneath me shift as I fell to the ground. It had to be a dream, Jimi I had blown kisses to in our nightly video call was no more. How was it even possible, that it couldn’t be true? This must be one of my nightmares.

Jimi was not just my lover, but my best friend and guardian angel. He was the best gift life has given me, if only I had paid more attention maybe he’ll not have taken his own life. I wouldn’t be left alone in this world. Jimi that was always strong, that seem to be above life itself had gotten depressed so badly but covered it with a smile just to allow me the freedom to be myself. Now I have no one, just myself and this pain that eats deep. Alas, it must be a dream, Jimi must come back.

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