Many things are beginning to change, seemingly too fast that there isn’t enough time to pause for a deep breath. A new day begins almost immediately the past one surfaces, every hour race past like chased cheetahs. The more I get, the more it seems to not be enough. Tell me, Adam, do you feel the same?
Do you remember the time you asked what I would go for if I had the power to change one thing in life? I remember we had just finished talking about a book, and you wanted me to take hold of something personal from it. Well, I have my answer now.
I wouldn’t make just a change. No. I would make it inexistent, murdered, and wiped away from the minds of homo sapiens and the face of the earth. The days will never have to be counted, neither the years taken into book. Plans and laid down goals wouldn’t be bound by it anymore, and night and day will only be changes in the atmospheric colors.
And then I wouldn’t have to count the hours for me to see you. It will be just us in our world, acting because we feel like; because there isn’t anything we await. I can stay in your arms longer, enjoying the immense peace it brings, without being preoccupied with the thought that the day was about to end, that it would take another million hours before I can be with you again. Then we can take a stroll into your head for as long as we like, knowing nothing holds us back. I can stare into your eyes till I fall asleep; you can whisper words into my ears till there is nothing left to say.
What an answer, right? So sweet, yet so unreachable.
But that isn’t why I’m writing you.
He came over today.
His eyes were all pleas and hurt, and I had nothing to soothe them. He felt it a long time ago, that I was slowly but definitely drifting away, that I seemed to be in a hurry each time I was with him. For a while, as he poured his heart out, I felt guilt wash through me. Not guilt of loving another, but the guilt of not being able to tell him so, to put my feelings on parade. Do you think that was cowardly of me? Should I have told him about you? About us?
I just couldn’t look into his eyes, and lie to the both of us that nothing was wrong. So instead, I told another lie. I told him that I was going through a lot, that it was the aftermath of stress and my fucked up self. I told him that I loved him and nothing could change that, and that I just needed time to sort myself out.
As I spoke, my mind screamed at me to shut the fuck up. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him my heart beats for another. Not while he was hurting.
He moved in to kiss me, and I almost wept when he showed me how he felt. But as his lips moved, I felt nothing. Not even the slightest wish to kiss him back. I tried, Adam, I tried. It just wasn’t the same. He wasn’t you.
As my life takes this new bend, I’m all shades of confusion. Why do I want you so much? Why can’t I bring myself to tell him I do not want him anymore? As much as the saying is usually correct, I’m not so confident time can reveal it to us.
More interestingly, I look forward to seeing you again. It’s been what? Like twenty-six hours? So long. I can’t wait to lay in your arms and get lost in your eyes. It creates a different world for me, one where it’s just you and me. One where troubles of life cease to exist.
Till then, I love you, always and forever.