I got a new friend. My rational self is in love with him; my whole being isn’t.
This doesn’t have any relation to what I perceive of him or the light in which he sees me. No! It is way more than that.
Sometimes, I tell myself that it could work out, that I could make it work out. But then again, how on earth am I supposed to do that?
It stretches out in my head like a puzzle; one I have no clue about but have been forced by nature into play. I lift my hands to make a move on the cards, but it turns out it constantly leaves me more in doubt. I get more confused as each day goes by; while he falls deeper in love.
He wants us to take it to a whole new level, one where there will be hearts and candies, titles and commitment.
And I want to. Gosh, I badly want to.
But I can’t.
My heart breaks each time I see him shower me with so much emotional bliss. I ought to feel secure in it, but instead, my being compares and rejects.
I love him, but how do I explain that it doesn’t feel right when I don’t even understand it myself?
I act all strong with him, but how do I tell him that isn’t truly me? How do I tell him I prefer talking about life, the metaphysical, and struggles, rather than listen to him say how much I intrigue him?
I can take so much, more than enough. But this…it breaks me.
I can’t tell if this is all your fault.
The way our hands reach out to each other subconsciously. The way you call my name. The way you stare at me. The way you love me. It’s different, and it’s driving me crazy.
The game that brought us here ought to have ended a long time ago. I mean, it did end.
All along, I believed it wouldn’t get this far, that we wouldn’t permit it to fly its wings all over the sky.
Now, I have become an emotional wreck.
I’m scared. Don’t let me drown.