I’ll like to tell you that “all will be fine”, but even I won’t believe those words. As I am currently far away from you, I feel this emptiness which I can’t explain. It feels like I’m far away from home; my heart aches in so much pain as though it is broken. If someone asks me where I am at the moment, I’ll certainly say ‘I am home’, but it doesn’t feel like it because even with the smothering kisses and hugs from family, an integral part of me is missing.
Somedays, all we want to hold on to is the bliss of how perfect things are going that we fail to tell ourselves the truth of how painful what the future holds can be. I’ve held onto you for so long, and now, being far from you is painful. It’s like a nightmare I want to wake up from. Our illusions have been shattered, and reality has dawned on us so hard that we weep. It’s the truth we ran from that has come to haunt us, reminding us that we won’t always be around each other.
Our love will have to get us through these kinds of moments.
Our love has to break that barrier of distance.
Our love has to learn to evolve in these circumstances and become even stronger.
Because in these few days, I’ve realized that I still had more love for you than I was willing to offer; that you have consumed me deep into my soul. I sometimes get scared at how much I love you, and the measure to which I love is deeper than words may say; just maybe close to how God loves the church because that there is the standard to which I want to love you.
This is a journey that no matter how hard we try, we won’t still be prepared for it. We will rather avoid the thought entirely. I spent months dreading this feeling of distance, want, and pain. Each time I tried preparing for it, I felt my lungs tighten and the air became too hard to inhale. Food lost its taste in my mouth, and pain jubilated over its triumph over me. Our little cocoon can no longer keep us safe in our world, so now we are left to fend for ourselves, using all the resources at our disposal to carry on.
All I want right now is to return home to you, for you to lay in my arms and let me hold you, feel the warmness of your lips against mine, leaving this entire world behind us at that moment. I’ve heard people say ‘home is about the people and not the building’, so therefore you are my home, and at the moment I am far from where I should be. I’ll keep counting the days until I get to hold you again, even if it will just be for just a few days.