Remember to be Wicked

Remember to be Wicked

Men’s Guide to Wickedness

You are a man, the powerful one. Was it not so that a sensible man once said, ‘the cutlass is male’. (If one investigated, one would discover that the sage was an early geneticist, who unlocked a secret that the modern ones don’t know—a trailblazer I stan!) You’d know the cutlass is truly male when you see how it chops down robust, tall trees, even ancient ones. Which gender can do that? Yours, baby boy! You are the tough one. You are as strong as the cutlass. You are superior, but others won’t want to accept that. This is why you have to be ruthless.

Wickedness is the way of men. Do not compromise it for anything. You do not have letters pointing to your gender only to be equal with these people—‘history’, ‘women’, ‘menopause’, ‘menstrua…’, and ‘lady’, among many others. The most fascinating part is the word ‘chairman’: it carries your authority. Yet, Nigerian politics has been a bad boy to this tag of yours. You would step out of your house only to have your day ruined by one poster: DR MRS PST CHIAMAKA HARUNA ADEKOYA (LLB), CHAIRMAN OF PATRIARCHY LOCAL GOVERNMENT. Why would this political system refer to these other people as chairmen? They are not in your circle, for God’s sake! You must snatch your respect, and cruelty is the weapon. Use your power, unlike one power-ful group that still spends its revenue on generators.  (Anyways, the energy they emit is not shock-ing.)

Your supremacy must also influence your thought about her feats. How could she have built that mansion without the help of some sugar in your group? Even though she graduated with good grades and had the required skills and talent, she got the job in za other room. I mean, she is a woman—the one with the charm. Don’t let her fool you; one agbada-wearing Abuja man bankrolls her. She just comes online to say that she got those things through hard work. Na disguise! All women do is lie, maybe not your mother because she is a religious one who tells only white lies. These other women, scam! Didn’t one of them give you that consent-eye and later come on social media to tell us you forced your way in? Big lie!

Nigerians don’t understand consent. Only two Nigerians do so: you and one guy who entered between the legs of his bride a night to their wedding. Even though that was her first time and she screamed for help, it didn’t matter. She already consented by agreeing to marry him the next day. What? ‘Agreement’ is a synonym of ‘consent’ after all. Well, our focus is not on that guy but on you. You have to be careless about this consent thing. These courts of law don’t know a thing: the spirits of ladies who intend to visit men alone go beforehand to the men’s houses to give them consent. You should only go with the first message, which will be brought by these spirits. That is how to be evil. A vile person is cold-hearted. Yours must also compete with Russia, Canada, or (eff those countries, think big), Antarctica. Dive in since you already have that spiritual consent. Later, attempt to silence her with crispy new notes—dollars, preferably. Money can erase everything, including eternal trauma, stigma, shame, pain, low self-esteem, reproductive problems, and STDs, name them.      

Finally, your voice must be salient. In a cross-gender meeting or discussion, shut them up. You are in charge. It will be good if the chat is with your wife or girlfriend. She dares not to raise her voice against the hed of the house. If you pay all the bills, silencing her will be perfect. Even if she pays the bills, especially buying you those three-in-one boxershorts, which other girls admire on you, do not care; you are still the man. Who is eating that the dog wags its tail? Call her those names. Sometimes, you could lend your voice a hand. Scratch your itchy palms on her cheeks: right, left, right. When necessary, use the fist. After everything, you could even come on social media, particularly Twitter, to sew threads of kaftan, showing how sweet a lover you are to her.  And that’s how to be brutal.              

Women’s Guide to Wickedness 

A relationship is a business enterprise. You should operate it with utmost seriousness. The only way your partner will know you are serious is to be heartless. You should bill him until his account balance reminds you of your favourite radio station. Why did he woo you if he was not ready to take up responsibilities? He calls you baby; thus, a father must always provide for his wards. If you are his wife, perfect. Discourage him from providing for his family, especially that witchy mother-in-law, even after he has satisfied you. Show him you mean business. You deserve all the attention.        

All men are evil. All of them… wait, if I’m not mistaken your father must be a man. Maybe not your father then. He might not be wicked. At least he sponsored your education and took up family responsibilities. However, you must be unkind to other men. One of them snatched your heart, showed God in the sky, and down he dropped it like it was WWE Championships. That one person represents them all. Subsequent men have bad intentions, including the one that just wants to be a friend. Send them away. Be true to your misandry. Do not be like that hypocritical Twitter misandrist who still married one of them and came online to say that she married her best friend. ‘I thought we agreed that these men are wicked. What could be “best” about them?’ You should not marry their gender. Monkeys are better. These animals are mammals too and can mate. The Almighty, in His infinite mercy, could deem it fit to bless you with baby monkeys. Cute little things. Oh… thank God for NatGeo Wild. 

Now, read carefully… (Don’t let anyone else in on this secret.) I am about to reveal to you the greatest of the ancient arts of destruction. It has been passed down from women to women consciously and subconsciously. This art was first discovered on the streets of social media. It is the art of false accusation.

False accusation is sweet. Here is how to find your victim. Develop true feelings for him. Give him signals. If he fails to recognise those signs because he is too focused or does not have time, he is the perfect victim. The world will believe you while your heart will call you a devil. You should be wary of that organ: it’s too weak. It will make you pity your victims. It will make you care that he will lose his jobs, sponsorships, deals, friends, and in the best scenario, his life—all on the foundation of lies. Never mind. Go with your brain, where you concoct that fantastic story. Support those stories with screenshots of ambiguous WhatsApp chats. If your God would be merciful, he should not be able to provide the unadulterated chats.  Bang! You win. You should only be apologetic when he loses his life. Go online and tell people that it was a miscalculation. Novice mathematicians don’t get it right every time.

 

Men and women alike, remember to be wicked. They say no sleep for the wicked. Don’t mind them for they don’t know you’ve found a hack for that: abusing those sleep-inducing pills. Nonetheless, try to start small. Take one or two and slip out of reality. Sleep peacefully…  

 

Sarcasm is a tongue—an esoteric one.

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