In the ancient city of Nine-jar, there lived three friends, the How-Sir, Hi-bow and the yoba. Unity, peace and tolerance were their hallmarks until trailer passed among them. Until they allowed the enemy to see their dirty linen. Until they allowed their rivals to use their weaknesses against them. Until they were SET UP. It all started in the 1960s.
HOW-SIR: Walahi, those hi-bow and yoba people must die. They have done enough to us. How dare they insult us like that? Can you imagine they killed hundreds of our people yesterday? Kai, subhanallahi, these people are dead already. We were managing these people before, But now, the Yoba tribe must perish. We can still allow the Hi-bow to stay with us. Whether they like it or not, we rule this Nine-jar and they will either die or accept us. (All hails the Emir as they curse the other tribe)
HI-BOW: My able people of this land, the Igwe has talked o. We will continue to allow the Yoba and the How-Sir to think we have no quarrel with them and we are not interested in taking over our country and becoming the grand ruler. Let them continue to think that na money we love. The day we go show them our true colours, them go shock. Boom, we shall strike (with staffs in their left hands, the Hi-bow dance round the meeting table as they cheer with a cup of white wine in their right hand)
YOBA: (eyin omo oodduuaa!!!), they have called us to fight oo and as we are taught to, we shall fight. They think they can come to our land and now overrule us. That’s a taboo, it is forever not possible. You see those How-Sir people, they are snakes and we will show them that we are their poison. Won maa gba (they shall witness our revenge).
Today is the very last day that we will condone any insult from them. You see those Hi-bow people, let’s leave them for now. The day they go beyond their boundary, they shall hear from us (the Oba spits on the ground as he commands his people to burn the captured How-Sir man alive as a warning to the How-Sir people)
After a week and half a day, the How-Sir people heard the news of the death of their members. As it is in their DNA, the How-Sir people were fuming with anger. They rallied round their communities to gather young and vibrant members to join in the battle against the Yoba people. After that, they gathered their guns, fire, charms and the incantations. The first week, the Yoba and the How-Sir people ensured they killed not less than hundred thousand members of their community to their foolishness and childishness.
(From the meetings of the governors, state representatives, senators, President, Vice Presidents, judges and other political office holders)
Hell Roof-I: You see, my fellow politicians. These people are the dumbest things I have ever seen. They don’t even know what is doing them. Are they supposed to be fighting themselves or fighting us?
BOW-HARRY: (laughs hysterically), this is the best time to rule the people of Nine-jar. Their foolery is my tool. With you guys by my side, we will continue to play them and if they still don’t wise up, they will continue to do as our greediness says. Please, all Governors on seat today and to those who are not, let us not forget the deal.
We will continue to instigate the Yoba against the How-Sir, the Hi-bow against the How-Sir and the How-Sir against the Yoba. We must continue to drive their attention away from our crimes. They must not know how to tackle us. Rather, we must know how to frustrate them. We shall make use of our ever- ready louts and hooligans from among them to frustrate them and disturb their peace. Cheers to more SET UPS, my friends (the politicians with bellies twice the size of a pregnant woman raise their cups filled with Guinness as they also discuss how to share the unreported five hundred billion Nine-jar notes they looted from their offices.)
In January 2021, history did not repeat itself in Nine-jar, in fact, it continued. The Hibo, How-Sir and the Yoba remain deceived as their peace and friendship never returned. In fact, the enmity multiplied and the government continued to set them up. While each of them wants to dominate each sector in the country and rule the political arena, no one was ready to serve under the guidance of the other. Bloodshed, hatred, dishonesty, corruption became the order of the day and their focus was lost.
According to Central News of Nations (CNN), Nine-jar was ranked among the poorest in economic, political, cultural and social wealth. Despite that the country produces oil, the price of a litre of petrol now compete with the price of a family-sized bread. Many politicians are pardoned by the court once they are being generous to them after looting billions of the National cake. Now, the cake only consists of the icing- injurious to our health and it cannot even do us any good. The world now laughs at the way we imprison the innocents and free the criminals. Even the labours of our heroes past are forever in vain. Maybe we should change the constitution because it is evident that we cannot live in peace and unity.
BOW-HARRY: (soliloquzing in his room as he mocks his country) observers, readers, people of the Federal Republic of Nine-Jars, citizens of other jurisdictions and the rest of those listening to what I have to say, I welcome you all. You know what? Nigerians are the best citizens to ever govern. They are docile and very obedient. You can toss them in any way that you like. Just like a faithful wife, your command is their wish. They know that we the politicians are responsible for the corruption, recession, unemployment, puberty and every other ill the country is suffering from. Yet, what they know is just create more divide amongst themselves. Maybe, they don’t realise that it is only when they are unified that they can stop us. Until the day my dear people realise that their unity is our defeat, my fellow politicians, cheers to many set ups. (A roaring round of applause from the crowd)
Caveat: This is a pure work of satire. Names, places or anything that has semblance with this piece or otherwise are plainly as a result of the author’s imagination and inspiration from the creative world and any semblance of actual persons, body, country or organisation is the handiwork of dearest coincidence.
What do you think?