WHAT TO DO IF YOU CAN’T COOK GOOD FOOD

WHAT TO DO IF YOU CAN’T COOK GOOD FOOD
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You know you cannot cook good food, so as he put that ring on you in the front of flashing Nikons, do not smile too much. Know that you are going to do a lot of things other than sleeping on his chest at home. You saw the face of his mum and you suggested she would love traditional dishes. When you are with her son dancing your first dance as husband and wife, do not gaze on the tiles too much. Know: your husband wouldn’t marry a shy girl and his parents wouldn’t accept one. Do not look at his tie also, it may spook him and he may catch you off guard. Just look at his brow and you would see all you need to know. He would feel shy and gaze down a little, do not breath more than once in a second. He will be flattered and he will smile, do not let him know that you know. Your parents will see you and his parents too. Your parent’s face will be carved into a smile. while his dad would scoff but his mum would fake a smile. Do not look at them; just keep your breath steady and each time breath on his chest.
Do not think about why you are doing all this, else he will know you cannot cook. Make him think you are really happy, and behind those shades of happiness, watch your brows to not blink thrice at a time while staring at him. He is a smart man. When you tell him not to uphold his family tradition the next day. He will remember how you made him feel the day before. Know: he will ask you why you did not take your eye off his brow. He will be shy but he will ask, then you might be shy and not know what to say, and you will be sent packing.


Then after the wedding, you will sigh heavily from exhaustion and sink into the car. He is your husband but he will be too shy and yet to recover from your first dance. Then he will come near you and offer you water and tell you to rest. You will see his intention, he will hide it well but you will see it because you already know. Do not interfere in any work again at the venue then he will believe you are tired.

When you get home and behind closed doors, be happy and well again. He will ask you how you feel then tell him that he makes you better. When you say it, do not look at him in his eyes but you can peep to see love escaping through his eyes. Say it again, more softer and slower, don’t expect his answer. Look at him in the eye now. His eyes will tell you all you need to know. Pretend to recover from that sentiment and turn to leave for the bathroom, he will be more flattered and exasperated.
Do not look back but as you turn; take a deep breath and be quick. He will be happy, but to make your plan work, you must be sexier and softer this night. Wear those skim-pies he always admired and make sure you give him time to think before you enter the room again. If he touches you do not whimper at first. But pretend to enjoy him, he is a man, he would not know if you are enjoying him or not. He will measure your enjoyment by your smile, and do not show the smile that would make him too comfortable. Have pleasure with him like a queen and not as a slave.

The following morning: look for milk and biscuit in the fridge to greet him Good Morning. He wouldn’t search through your shadows. He will smile and kiss you on the forehead then after taking a bite or two and few sips. He will sadden his face and remind you about the tradition rites to be held today; let your smile be brief. He will think you are happy and he will smile again. Then talk about the good foods you will cook for his parents. He will play into your gamble and thinks your tongue is for the truth.
Then go to the kitchen and when nobody is seeing you. Begin to scream; scream very loud until he comes to the kitchen and finds you. Do not stop until he’s scared then say you have a stomach upset; he will take you to the hospital. And on the third you will be well again and tell him about your Honeymoon. He will want to satisfy you if you threaten him to be sick again. He will cancel the rites and you will go on your honeymoon – to Hawaii or Paris.

Know: you will have survived the following day, but you can’t survive forever. One day his parents will know and send you packing and you will have wasted your energy, time and money. There is nothing as good to man as a good food and a good bed. Learn good food and you learn how to keep your man.

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