Satire: Kudos To Our Yahoo Boys

Satire: Kudos To Our Yahoo Boys

This is arguably one of the best times to be a Nigerian, a very proud one at that. My countrymen, you should know that great feeling. Well, if you ask me what boosts the morale of the citizenry of a country the most, I would say it’s nothing than the deserved attention it gets on the global scene. And this is not in any way far from what we Nigerians are presently experiencing.

Naija don blow! Seriously, we have been making the big and major headlines in the international media. And you know what that means for us, right? Yeah. Yet again, we are in the global limelight and we are enjoying all what it brings us while it lasts! After all, this is what we have always desired as a nation — to be a leader and be well-known all over the world for a specialty, just as China is well-known for advanced technology. Our country is beginning to bloom and we can only be happy and proud.

Apart from our long and forever-held reputation as the world’s most populous black nation — and in fact, our recently-bagged revered title, the world’s poverty capital — we are now the most renowned and infamous, oh no, famous nation for internet fraud. This our achievement is unrivaled anywhere in the world, we would daresay. And it is only expected that this should somehow give us an utmost sense of incredible accomplishment. And this is just why we have to celebrate it in a grand style, and perhaps, acknowledge those who worked tirelessly behind the keyboards and in front of screens to make it possible for us.

I bet you’re mistaken if you think our very good government deserves the commendation for this glorious feat, as it has always been said of our nation’s past notable achievements. Yes, of course, you’re. Don’t even think towards that side at all, at least for now. Or are you not grateful for all the landmarks our leaders have achieved for us so far. They have done enough already; enough is enough. It’s high time we turned the face of recognition this time around.

By jove, if we must give unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar, our hard-working yahoo boys truly owns this credit. In fact, they did a whole lot of work to earn it. And we have to thank them so much. They keep repping us well on the global space by spreading the “419” gospel about us to the rest of the world. Let that even slip for now. To put the over-sugary yet watery icing on the cake, they have added more colourful feathers to the already sparkling cap of our international profile, and as well ushered us to a higher case on the stairs of the global human capital development index. They brought us this much-coveted glory that will endure for so long. And to just say the least, we are so proud of these boys, our very own. They are indeed our true champions and patriots!

If you think this feat was easy to attain by these boys, then you’re just an hater. And you simply don’t know what true hard-work means. And, in case you don’t even know, ‘yahoo yahoo’ is a lucrative and serious job, sorry, business in Nigeria. But you have to strive hard to thrive in the industry. It’s not for the lazy ones. It is one that requires passion, creativity and dedication, and you have to commit yourself to the various arduous processes. Forgot about the unsavoury tales you have heard that yahoo boys are people who don’t want to work. Whether you admit it or not, these our boys are ever-gallant, super-productive and business-minded to the core.

As a matter of fact, they even craft strategic plans and models for the business. They rent apartments — just like warehouses — stocking it, not with goods, but with food, and other necessary items for sustenance, and purchasing good laptops and smartphones for operational affairs. They also recruit street boys and interested allies, and then train them on how the game works — sourcing for clients, making good use of ‘formats’, forging credentials and sending romantic texts to win over white women, who enjoy having online lovers, to transfer funds, on dating apps and sites. And then, they get down to the real work of pressing ‘lapi’ all night. Prapapapa papapa. No stopping. Thanks to the seemingly strong internet connectivity our nights afford in Nigeria. These boys don’t just sleep at all; they stay up grinding and hustling hard, with deft fingers. The business is not a walk in the park. And that’s what we are talking about — being hard-working without working hard for money. That’s just the Nigerian way.

However, let’s face it, on a serious and realistic note this time; the stage is no more local, it is now global. Everyone is upping their game to be relevant in this 21st Century. And Nigerians are not to be left behind. Never. If as an entrepreneur in this age, you still think your customer base lies in your locality or neighbourhood, then you really need to be updated on the new workings and dynamics of our contemporary world. You have to think local and act global. And if there is ever anyone we are to praise for modeling this noble and incredible path for us, then it is our very own yahoo boys. They have been operating on the global scale; they were never local champions. And they are already showing us where the future is. We are going global as a nation.

It is therefore on this premise that we have our yahoo boys to thank for the precedence they’ve set for us, for thinking outside the box and for the glorious dishonour, oh sorry I mean, the honour they have brought on our country so far. (Pardon my slips so far; my head is just writing faster than my fingers). We pray we never stop thanking them.

To our dear illustrious yahoo boys, this piece is to recognize your efforts as our stars of the moment. We hail you, from the deepest pit of our hearts. Tuale. Opor opor opor. May you continue to cash-out massively, spend lavishly and display your money ostentatiously. More wire-wire to your AZA. May your ‘magas’ pay better; may they continue to send you gift cards. May your mouth never dry. May you never be at home when the danger of EFCC and SARS lurks around in gloomy corners, to pay you a courtesy visit. And may you never meet your day of reckoning; it may come and it may not. But, always remember the son of the country’s soil whom you’re and the black face you bear. Never must you ever forget, even though your profile picture on Hangout, your phone number and the location you’re claiming through VPN show otherwise. You’re still a fucking Nigerian! Scratch that.

On the whole, kudos to you, for being a shinning light, beaming our rays forth on the global landscape — this, we will always deeply appreciate you for. Well-done, G-boys! You have started well. And we wish you all the best in your scamming career and as you bring more attention home to us. We are watching. And we just hope you will keep up the good work and continue to make us proud even more. It’s a way to go. Kudos, kudos, kudos!

PS: Now that you’ve read this piece, do not take it serious. You may just act otherwise later, anyway. But for now, just do one thing: get its underlying, deep message warped in the parcel of trenchant witticism and intended criticism.

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