What children(of nowadays) would not see when they climb a ladder, the adults would see even if they are myopic”- Ancient Nigerian Proverb

It is only natural that a child is foolish. Yes! You are not wrong to believe this and definitely, It is not the child’s fault. Wisdom and foresight are metaphysical abilities granted only to parents. Owing to this, they need the telescopic insight of the all knowing parents who have experienced the past, and already know the future, to make them. Hence the need for this crash course.
Dear 21st century Nigerian parents, follow these instructions religiously and your parenting journey would be as smooth as riding the luxurious Nigerian police Van on the Ibadan- Ife Express road.

1. After birth, you can choose to name your child whenever you want . However, you should give the child a name that reflects your religion, I mean give your children names like Prayer, Amen, Hallelujah, God is good, Allahamdulilai, Allah is sweet and so on. Such names reflect the glory of God and in the long run bestow good character on the child while granting spiritual fortification.

2. If you are a traditional worshipper, congratulations, that shows your resilience in upholding our culture, however, you must uphold the cultural values to the core. Incise the child’s body with spiritual marks. You can never tell the number of witches in your neighborhood that are after the child’s Glory.
Note: Make sure to do this at home with blades not contaminated by western antiseptics, they reduce the efficiency of the incisions

3. The female child requires special attention, you must ensure to circumcise her specially within the first 0-19 weeks of her birth. This has been and would be an effective means which to ensure chastity. Isn’t virginity the ultimate glory of the female child?
I am sure your mother did that to you didn’t she? You turned out fine didn’t you?
PS: Ignore modern day activist attributing ridiculous name to this activity, most of them are promiscuous ladies with no proper home training. A stitch in time saves more than nine

4. This is particularly for mothers. You don’t need to sit all year at home taking care of the baby. Wean the baby as early as he or she is 5 months old. You know why, you have to help your husband, make money to support the baby’s life. You don’t have time to sit around, Get you a nanny and all will be alright.
Do these things and you are sure of a solid foundation for the your children.

This period is the most sensitive of a child’s formative years, he/ she will surely ask annoying questions, display immoral tendencies, it is a period when a child is most susceptible to the devices of the devil and the machinations of your village people, your street witches, you name it.
It is therefore expedient that you enforce good morals on them and force them to do things YOU deem right. Below are things you must do;

5. You must make sure to kill the child’s curiosity as early as possible. The child often asks too many questions and would probably question your instructions if this is not done. Remember, It is the same curiosity that killed the cat. Please do not try to answer his or her questions, that is a longer route. Kill the child’s curiosity.

6. Children can be very stubborn, you must be sure to enforce discipline by using the ‘rod’.
It is said that if you spare the rod, not whip, not belt, you spoil the child. Be sure to use the rod. Your village people may have possessed the child, therefore only the ROD can chase them out.
Note: This is not child abuse as potrayed by the modern day activist.It is corporal punishment, a very lawful thing to do.

7. Do not make the mistake of educating your children about sex, especially the male child. For the female child, warn her, pregnancy in Nigeria is contacted faster than the fabled Corona virus. Tell her that a boy must never touch her. She must, I repeat, She must not talk to a boy because she will get pregnant

Make sure they are not in any manner exposed to books, programs or TV shows that trigger their curiosity about their sexuality. For instance, when watching TV, make sure you fast forward the parts suggestive of romance.
To be on the safe side, allow your children access to contents that match your religion only, for instance, Jesus TV, Allah’s TV etcetera.
NOTE: Be particularly careful about your female child, Hammer it in her head that pregnancy is the end of life and the sign of ultimate failure. By doing this, you are only doing her a favor by making sure she doesn’t even attempt relationships

8. Your children are not expected to have friends except the ones you approve. Any association they have with the opposite gender must be strictly for business. Until they are ready for matrimony, the ‘opposite gender’ are only allowed to be classmates or religious acquaintances

9. You must be quick to chose career paths for your child. Yes, make sure he or she does ‘professional courses’, you don’t need to feel guilty about this, it is not your fault, they are the few career choices where your children can succeed, you have seen it and you know this. Tell them that God has a plan for them to study those courses. You don’t want your children to be Teachers, writers, and other low income/ low prestige professions. They never make it, they would just eventually depend on their parents and insha Allah in the long run.

Note: The career paths said above are Medicine, Nursing, Law, Engineering Only.

10.Your children do not have the liberty of chosing a religion, make sure they follow your own pattern, you are experienced aren’t you, you definitely know the best religion for them to follow. Do this and parenting is a lot easier

11.Your children are not expected to have fun, they have to take their lives serious from as early in their lives as possible. Make sure they read their books at all times, even when they clearly are not assimilating, it is better than playing away their lives. They must watch TV only when you say so, play football only when you say so. Do this and Help them salvage their lives from the demon of unseriousness

12. The cyberspace is corrupt and full of decadence. Do everything in your power to limit a child’s access to the internet. To make this feasible, do not buy your child a Mobile phone until when he or she is an undergraduate. Even so, make sure to check his or her phones for immoral messages, contents etcetera. You can never be too sure about these kids.

13. They are instances where these children still exhibit traits of juvenile deliquency even when these rules are strictly adhered to, don’t panic, trouble shoot by doing the following

I. Follow the instructions in number 6 above
ii. Deny the child of things that he or she adores the most
III. In the instance of a problem With number 9 above, remove all things that the child shows interest in, for instance, a child that wants to become a footballer instead of being a Doctor must not be allowed anywhere near football. Don’t worry, it is a huge favor at the end.
Iv. In the event of the extreme, threaten to disown the child, you know, he or she is totally dependent on you, he or she would have to reconsider and submit to your bidding.
Don’t worry, all these things are for the child’s good. They make up parts of his or her success story in the future.
Remember, they are your children and yours to bring up, don’t be influenced by the woke and immoral child Rights activist of today. Do these things and your children would turn out fine just like you did.

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  1. Timi!!!! Mad o😂😂😂. A wonderful read and a perfect guide for any parent who is in the business of conforming their children to suit their preference 😏😏

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