Finding Solace

Finding  Solace

 

I had just finished talking to my dad on the phone. That is the only way we communicate now. He said my mum was getting better, I knew he was lying because his tone gave him out, besides, no one with cancer really gets better; no one living in Nigeria with our financial status. Well we weren’t poor but we weren’t “cancer rich”

I once had hope that my second class lower GP would change to 2:1, but right now I just want to graduate and get out of here. I don’t know where to, but a place where not everything hurts.

I had not wanted to leave my hoste that day, but I just needed to. The wind sometimes stops the tears from falling, so I took a walk . While I was passing our SUB, this girl walked to me, told me she knew me and followed me on all social media platforms, she liked my paintings, that it spoke to her and she wanted to know the inspiration behind my art. There was something about her enthusiasm that fascinated me and lifted my spirit.

Fast forward to two weeks of long and deep conversations, I knew I liked her. She filled a void inside me. She was my safe place. I felt a bit guilty though. What type of man falls in love even with the realization that his mum is going to die soon, but even worse, enters a relationship? A man who is selfish and wants a bit of happiness all to himself.

When you’re in love, it’s hard to feel guilty. She didn’t make it easier for me to forget my pain. She made it easy for me to live with it. It was amazing, she was amazing but I was done with making her have to deal with me, with depending so much on her for happiness. It is hard to hold on to something so beautiful and brittle with unstable hands. So when my mum died, I broke up with her. I didn’t know how everything connected but I knew it was what I needed and what was safe for her.

Things became harder for me. I needed an escape; something that burns the pain, I don’t mind if it makes me die earlier. If it’s only in death I find solace, then I don’t mind losing my body and soul.

My name is Deji, an award winning artist, I’d appreciate it if you call me by my name, not my pain, because everyone has a story and a struggle.


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