I have never liked endings, book endings, film endings, relationship endings, friendship endings… but Death is the biggest of them all, then again I don’t think anyone would like death. Death is something I’ve always been aware of (as a Muslim we are taught to constantly remember that innalilahi wa innalilayhi rajirun which translates as “To Allah we come and to him we shall return” ). We say this when we hear of the death of someone, I say it too but I’ve never truly felt the meaning until I lost someone I love with every depth of my being. Death just felt like a faraway end but now it seems so near.
You know with other endings there could be an epilogue (in the case of a book) or a part two (in the case of a movie) or even if they don’t have those you could just watch the movie or read the book again… But with Death I can’t play back or live back my years with her because she’s gone gone from this world. The greatest fear I have is that I’d wake up one day and not remember her face, her voice, her smile, that all my memories would just be gone. It’s so funny how we can love someone but be so powerless when they are dying, I guess it reminds us how truly powerful God is and how a lot of things won’t matter at the end of the day.
A lot of people have said it’ll get better with time, this choking feeling I get when I remember her but I wonder if it truly will… I hope it does. People ask me how I feel and I say fine because I don’t have the word to fully describe how I feel…it’s like everyone is moving on in life (including me) as if her death meant nothing and I just suddenly want to stop doing anything with my life, like mourn her forever without moving on but then I remember she would not have wanted me to put my life on hold, and loosing someone is like a test from God and a reminder that we won’t be on this earth forever so we should make the most of it while we can, then I go back to living my life and trying to be fine again. For me Death is an oddity.
I miss you mum and I love you