I thought it was cool.
I thought it connoted strength.
I thought it was character building.
I thought I could do it alone.
I never knew it could mean being lonely.
I never knew it could mean pretending all was cool when it obviously was not.
I never knew it meant being on the sidelines, watching others live life.
No one told me it would amount to creating a gulf, and leaving all one cared about in it.
Living the life of a lone wolf has been exhilarating. Yes, I am stronger now than I ever was before. In some ways, I might even be better now than I was before. But this strength is proving to be the source of my weakness.
“He’s so strong, he doesn’t need our help”…so you ain’t helping, just say that and be done with the excuses.
“She’s been doing ok right from day one, so she’ll figure it out”…right, just keep going and don’t look back until you’re out of my life.
“That’s how he normally says it but then results will tell a different story”…bruh, results do lie.
“I trust you, you’ll kill it”…please stop trusting me🙄
I thought this was okay in the beginning, cos I thought, “they are actually kinda right…things will figure themselves out”. But it’s not just the norm now, anything apart from these are frowned upon.
When did the standards become so high?
When did I become superhuman…that I have to be treated according to a different playbook?
Can’t you see that I’m still me?
I got so caught up in being a lone wolf that you all see me as one now. But sometimes the lone wolf wants to run with the pack, even if it’s for a short while. I want to run with a pack.
Being strong always can be tiring. I get to be the one with the ever-solid shoulder to lean on, the one who can be relied on in a jiffy, the one ever-ready to lend a helping hand or an understanding ear. I get to be the one who’s always smiling, laughing, or making people happy. I get to be their safe zone.
People who I can drop this facade and just be whoever I need to be at that moment…to be weak if I need to, and be strong when I have to.
Where are the safe zones?
NOWHERE IS SAFE
Please remember, even before I became this, we were alike. I had strengths, I had weaknesses. And even though the cracks are not so evident anymore, it doesn’t mean they’re not there…we just got better at hiding them.
This life of a lone wolf is definitely lonely.
And I don’t wanna be so alone anymore.
Hopefully the cosmos finds some way to make this outpouring worthwhile, cos obviously, we have to maintain the strong facade, so no one is gonna see this.
Scratch that…it’s been 26 days since I put the first word down, but this feeling isn’t going away.
And if my anonymous self connects with you, leave a reply, maybe somewhere in an alternate universe, our doppelgangers can get together, maybe order some food and drinks, vent some of our feelings…you know…maybe you’ll be my safe zone and I’ll be yours…
What the hell am I saying…I mean it though, leave a reply if you want to😃.
It’s so tiring having to be the reasonable one, having to be the one who remains cool cos getting angry won’t make the matter any better, having to be the one who tries to make things ok when all you wanna do is just let go, having to be the one behind the mask.