Not So Suicidal

Lately I’ve been feeling like more of a failure than ever. Some days when I’m really down, it seems like nothing in my life is working the way that it should. I’ve tried my hands on a lot of things – tried to learn to bake, once had a blog, tried to apply for scholarships, tried to maintain friendships, tried to pass all my courses in school, submitted write-ups for competitions, tried to learn to play two different musical instruments, and I could go on and on.
I have never been diagnosed with clinical depression and I don’t like the word depressed so I like to believe that I am not depressed. However, I find that I’ve been really sad, a lot. Not that I want to be, but sometimes I can’t seem to help myself. I honestly want to talk to someone, but I don’t know who. I think about my friends, but they’d never understand, I remember sometimes when I try to ease into certain discussions but they never take a hint. So it’s definitely not them. Sometimes I think about telling my mother but nah, nothing could come of it. I’ll just end up burdening her mind and she’ll know for sure that it’s “my father’s people”. Then I think of seeing a therapist, but who am I kidding? I’m just a broke ass student.
My birthday is around the corner. I dread that day and I have no reason to, I just do. Maybe because it reminds me of how much older I’m getting with no actual results in my life and so called friendships. It doesn’t help that people always expect you to be happy and excessively excited like the sky is purple or something. I remember once when I tried to tell one of my friends that I wasn’t interested in celebrating my birthday because “who birthday epp?”, this person though I was forming hard guy. Okay. I like to think about where my life is headed but these days it bugs me how I don’t see any road in front of me. So where exactly am I headed? I always seem to either make a mess of the good stuff or hang on to the bad stuff. And then there’s the icing on the cake that is my sadness – I don’t know for sure that I will graduate when I should. On paper it says that I won’t, “but then it’s just one course” I tell myself. I want to believe that a miracle could happen. “Have faith”, He says. However, I’m trying not to hold my breath, I don’t want to be disappointed. After all, I should have just passed the course in the first place right?
I remember the first time I thought about suicide, it was a long time ago and what happened was as petty as forgetting something important at home. It was however enough to make me cry my eyes out. Cowardice was a good thing that day, for if I was bold enough, maybe I’d be forgotten already. Now I don’t think of killing myself. I just cry and wish and pray that I could sleep and not wake up to this world anymore, because, seriously who I epp? I’m trying not to do that anymore though, so I just cry (crying has helped me a lot, even though it does nothing sometimes) and pray and watch funny videos and sleep.
Some days I have no faith, some days I have little enough to get myself out of bed in the morning. Then again, maybe it’s the knowledge that whether or not I get out of bed, life around me would still go on, so I try just to see if something different will happen, if I’d feel differently about things. I’m still here so far. Some days I feel miserable and some days I am actually happy. After all they say that “Las las, we go dey alright”. I’m still breathing and where there’s life, there’s hope, so let’s wait and see.
And if anyone asks me, I’ll say that I’m fine. Like seriously, what else could I say? For at least I haven’t stopped my clock. Yet…

And someday I hope have both the courage and the opportunity to share my story in person. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll make sense then and help someone somewhere to keep holding on just a little longer.

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