Why I wish I never cheated

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I’m not catholic, so I guess this is my own form of penance.

See, I’ve done a terrible thing. I’ve been unfaithful to a man that adores, and what’s worse? I haven’t told him about it.

But I can explain, or at least I can try to.

See, I met Ifeanyi at a mutual friend’s birthday party, and we hit off right away. I have a thing for intelligent guys, and he wasn’t bad looking.

We were both just getting out of some rough relationships, so in the beginning it seemed like it was going to be rebound. Nothing serious, just some sex and good conversation.

But then the lock down happened, and I was stuck in Abuja for a while. During that time Ifeanyi and I had a lot of deep conversations, and it was lit. He hinted at us starting a relationship when I got back to Lagos, and I hinted that I would say yes. I didn’t even tell my family and friends I was back in Lagos. As soon as I landed, I took the closest Uber to his place and even spent the night (bear in mind this was only the second time we saw in person).

I really trust him, he makes me feel safe and loved. I’ve dated only a few guys, but he is by far the best. He is really the sweetest thing on Earth. Whenever I’m stressed he send me food at the office, he’s always eager to lend a helping hand whenever he’s at my place or I need help with work. Ifeanyi is so kind, to his family, to strangers. And he notices the little things. We’re even talking about getting married soon, and there are no doubts in my mind because he is God’s gift to mankind. And I’m a lucky girl. 

So why did I cheat? 

See, the cheating happened in the early stages of our relationship (first three months or so). During the lock down, I started talking to an old friend (one of those people that could have been in the past if circumstances were a little different). His name was Femi, and when we got talking, he made it clear he wasn’t looking for anything serious. At this point, Ifeanyi was already my intending boyfriend, so talking to an old friend who wanted something different didn’t matter. 

But the chemistry was still there, so we hooked up a couple times while I was in Abuja. It wasn’t a problem, I told myself. Ifeanyi wasn’t technically my boyfriend so it didn’t count. 

But then after I returned the Lagos and started my relationship with Ifeanyi. I traveled to Abuja thrice more in the space of four months and I met up with Femi every time.

When it was happening, I was surprised at how indifferent I felt to it. Sometimes I would video call or send Ifeanyi love notes right before Femi went down on me. Or I would suggest going to a restaurant in Lagos, Femi had recommended earlier. I felt guilty for not feeling guilty to be honest.

But then things between me and Ifeanyi got serious, and we started talking about marriage. And finally, the guilt crept in.

How could you cheat on such a good man?

How can you look him in the face and lie?

Aren’t you a witch?

Ifeanyi would not reply my text for six hours and I would think he has found out. Someone has told him.

I would go mute when he starts talking about how cheating is an absolute deal breaker, and ignore the retweets and statuses demonizing cheaters.

When one of Femi’s friends got a job at Ifeanyi’s work place, I was so uneasy fòr two weeks.

I would imagine the worst case scenarios, and the kind of conversation that would occur between us if ever found out. I picture these fights at different stages. Like him finding out tomorrow, in five years, or when we’re married with kids.

I haven’t told anyone about Femi, and I don’t think I ever will. Despite deciding that I will never be unfaithful again, the thought of Ifeanyi finding out still weighs me down.

I love him so much, and I don’t want to lose him. And if I do, I never forgive myself.

I know it’s selfish for me to keep this to myself. But I tell myself I’m also protecting him. I’m saving him the trouble of caring this betrayal with him for the rest of his life, because I know I will. And I never want him to.

Sleeping with Femi was really just me seeking excitement. And I don’t think the indiscretions which I regret deeply should make me lose the love of my life.

 

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