To My Darling Friend Tana


I had never seen a dead body but I knew that someday I would, maybe my grandpa’s. When we laid in bed last Christmas pregnant with roast chicken breast and casserole, sautéed mushrooms and the lumpiest mashed potatoes ever made- courtesy of your brother- we spoke about life, how we would be the longest best friends. You had said if we couldn’t shake our ass on a yacht now, we would do it when we are 80. I laughed so hard that I threw up a little chunk of potato. You laughed too, not so much of a laughter to anyone who didn’t know you. It was a high pitched sound that somehow flowed from the roof of your mouth, with little teeth showing. It was the most annoying yet comforting sound. Nobody ever prepares for this, except the one time you narrated how you’d want your burial to go.

“Whenever it happens, I don’t want some sad teary gathering. I want everyone dressed in white, you could all sing young and beautiful. I know I would love that.”

I gave a quizzical look because nobody ever planned their funeral. “You can’t be serious,” I responded.

“I don’t have it all planned out but I just know I want something beautiful and I don’t want to be buried. Anything besides putting me in a box” You said with a smile. 

Last month your mother had come over to my house to ask if I would like to say something at your funeral. Your funeral, the one we spoke about once. The one where you had us dolled up in white singing some lyrics of Lana Del Rey . Something I thought we didn’t have to bother about for another sixty years. 

“She wanted something beautiful but not cliche, like singing Lana’s song” I responded.

“Lana? Who is that?” She asked

“The very very sad woman you always told her to turn off” I replied. 

We both looked at each other and burst into laughter; then tears. After the laughter died  down and we blew our noses into tissues, she held my hand and told me it was going to be okay though we both knew it wasn’t.

“So? Would you like to say anything?” 

“There’s nothing left to say,” I replied, wiping the tear that rolled down my left cheek. 

This was a lie, I still had a million more things to say. Things only you would understand. I couldn’t stand before people who barely knew you and narrate how beautiful you were, stories would never do justice. Your kind of beauty needed to be experienced, it was a one -on -one type of thing. They needed to hear your laughter and see you smile. To understand who you were, one would need exclusive front row tickets; perhaps this was why you didn’t want to be put in a box, to be dolled up and prepped for display in a tiny church hall. 

“She wanted to be cremated or set ablaze on a funeral boat” I added, letting out a sigh. 

“It’s a Game of Thrones thing” I interjected, satisfying your mother’s curiosity. 

House Tully.

Though I was never much of a GOT fan, you recited the houses so much that I just had to know them and their words. Every ruler, every sigil and every banner I knew by heart. You had a Dothraki phase that thankfully passed overtime. Everything you loved you loved tirelessly- me, your family and Nymeria your dog. Of everything that I’ll miss it’s you. Your long legs that could never win a race, your skinny arms that threw a javelin excellently and your tender heart that could never bear the worries of this world. Though you left no note, I know why you did what you did. It had to be done and I hope you know that I understand, the pain I feel now could never be compared to what you felt. There’s no guilt from this heart, it only bleeds from the hole you left. Wherever you are now, I hope you found peace, the kind that this world could never give you.

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  1. This is a beautiful piece Britney.

    This almost sounds like eulogy, tbh I’m so scared of loosing someone so close because I don’t know how I’d take it or even grieve.
    Nice choice of words also 👍

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