”So what do you want?” He asks me.
This is it. He’s finally ready to be mine. Right?
”You.” I mutter under my breath. ”I want you.”
”That’s vague.” He chuckles.
The hope that he’s joking is the landing pad that kept my initial elation from shattering by hitting the ground. It was a very quick fall. I felt it in my heart. It was a long distance too tho.
He just wants to hear me say it. I don’t mind. I’m way past the point of self-righteousness and/or dignity. I would very nearly kiss his feet at this point. There’s only one other person I’ve loved just enough to want to do these things.
”Love.” I exhale with the breath I’d been holding. ”I want to love you.”
I swallow as his eyes roam my face.
”I mean, I already love you. I- I just – I wanna love you knowing that you’re mine.” I sigh. ”I want you to love me back.”
His eyes glisten over with an emotion I can’t identify. His eyes wander my body in the way that they always do, making me so aware yet seen. I like being seen by him. I take the fact that he doesn’t take his eyes off of me until something pulls it away to mean that he enjoys seeing me as much as I enjoy being seen.
”I-” He sighs.
He never stammers. He never has to think in between his sentences because he things everything through before he starts. That landing pad for my optimism is wearing out.
”I can’t.” He says slowly.
I’m waiting for the rest of his words. Any explanation of sorts has to come. Right? It doesn’t. The landing pad is completely gone now. All the good feelings at the beginning of this conversation are now in pieces on the ground.
I tear my eyes away from his and focus on my feet instead. I quickly purse my lips and begin to nibble on the upper lip in a bid to hide the trembling. I know I’ve failed when he cups my chin and lifts my face to his. One gasp and my tears flow freely. I tug his hand off of my face. My heels turn, my body with them. I’m sprinting to the one place that always makes me feel better. The one place I can see the stars.
They’re right to use the term ’soulmate’, implying there’s only one even though a lot of us fall madly in love more times than one. A specific person can be your soulmate at a specific time. At a specific place. Right there and then, that person’s soul and yours will dance the eternal dance. Change one factor, however, and that’s it. Your soul is different. In a different place, at a different time, needing a different mate. Even worse is that someone can stop being your soulmate the moment you finally acknowledge the fact that you’re not theirs. Leave all the other factors, you’re just not it for them. Then the question is, where you ever soulmates to begin with? I don’t know. I don’t believe in destiny. I don’t know why I’m buying the whole soulmate idea right now. All I know is, when someone doesn’t want you, you have to move on. They say forgetting is the hardest part. I don’t think so. It’s easy to forget – at least momentarily. That’s just it though. Who ever completely forgets? The idea is to be so preoccupied that it’s buried at the back of your mind. Eventually, it doesn’t hurt as much. It doesn’t mean you forgot. You just let it go. Before that time, however, there’s a terrible part. Remembering. That 5 minutes that you have nothing to do. They cross your mind and when they do, they bring along the flood of emotions that naturally comes with them. Your perfect day is ruined by that moment of remembering.
Forgetting is the easy part. Remembering how much I felt for this one boy is what is going to haunt me for as long as it can.