”Are you whyning me?” I raise an eyebrow. ”You want me to kill myself?”
He laughs. Now that there’s humour in the air, I’m back to being as calm as I was when I took the first drag.
”Look,” OT sighs. ”I can’t make you do anything that you don’t want to do.”
”But I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.” I’m honest. ”I really want to just end it. I do, but what if it’s not all that I think it will be?”
”Remember the best way to be sure you’re not missing anything is to it try out.” He looks at me with eyes that twinkle hope. ”Just think about it.”
I did. Everyday since that day, the thought crossed my mind. I could never decide on the best way to go about it. What to wear, the best instrument and most other things. I knew the exact day to do it though – the faculty dinner.
He suggested that I do something that people have been for doing for years but my brain only saw the death it came with.
”You’ll be fine.” He said.
I’m not fine.
Locked up in my room with nobody but my reflection in the mirror watching, I give Billie Eilish a run for her money. I might have ended Shakira’s career once or twice too. Jorja, on her hand, I choose to let shine. Always. It’s not because I can’t outshine her – I’d beat her hands down if I wanted – but I love her enough to accept that we can both shine. It’s amazing though that even here, where I run things, all I can do is wonder if she’ll ever look at me the same way.
In this world, however, OT is moving mad for thinking that getting on a stage and holding a microphone is best for me. I remember the conversation. I remember telling him all I want is to end it. To end my fear.
”You sound like bliss.” He scoffs. ”You’re no worldwide hitmaker, I admit, but people deserve to hear this. To hear you.”
”First off, people don’t deserve anything. Most humans are horrid.” I say with a smile.
That’s when he laughed.
”But really,” I start after his laughter dies down. ”I can’t walk through a crowded hall even when I’m at my most basic and you expect that I willingly make myself centre of attention?”
He’s convinced me though. I do it.
I’m called up on stage and it all happens so fast. I sing ’Don’t Watch Me Cry’ by Jorja Smith. As I said, she should always shine. The only notably constant thing asides her, was the pit in my stomach.
I’m off the stage and I still need to remind myself how breathing works. I did it though, didn’t I? Every minute up till this one, I was sure I would die up there. I was walking the edge of a cliff knowing I could fall off at any time. It was a near-death experience but I lived to see another day.
Funny, isn’t it? It’s the things that seem like they’ll take the life from us that remind us that we are, indeed, alive. It’s when you think you’re about to die that life flashes before your eyes. It’s the things that threaten your life that makes you feel most alive. Asking that person out, bungee jumping, riding at 200+ km/hrs.
What’s your life-giver death-brink?