I’m holding on to nothing. My hands are gripping these hospital sheets desperately searching for an anchor for this wandering soul. Life is nothing but a pool of emptiness and I’m just hopelessly swimming around, trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes, I drown in these tides of foolishness and sometimes, I surf perfectly above the waves of life’s unending turmoils. Now, I’m drowning and nothing can save me.
I remember the last time I felt like I had something to hold on to. I was “happy” and I had no worries. Well, apart from the usual girl problems, I really had no worries. However, lately life has been staring at me with its ugly eyes and I find myself sinking. It’s almost as if this bed I’ve been confined to for the past two years has grown too used to me, or I’ve grown too used to the bed. Either ways, I’m sinking and I’m beyond any rescue.
I’ll never forget the first time I started sinking. It was back at home. I remember suddenly feeling numb and just wanting it to end. I remember the blood that trickled down my wrists while I watched. I remember the demons that called out to me, beckoning me to join them. I remember the shock on my mother’s face when she saw the smile on mine. I remember the tears that rolled down dad’s face when the doctor announced that I’d have to stay here. I remember everything and although two years have gone by, I’m still here, wondering why they won’t just let me go.
Oblivion calls out to me. What would it feel like to forget everything? What would it feel like to forget the calloused hands that defiled my body and stole my innocence? What would it be like not to remember the accusations that filled my ears even as I tried to make them see I was the victim? What would it feel like to feel like that violence never took place and I was never raped?
Forget that. I just want to be forgotten.