I am always in constant battle with insecurity. Apart from the ones that plague me every time I look into the mirror, I also have to deal with that constant feeling of being a loser. It is always there, reminding me of what my mates have done. My thoughts constantly revolve around how I’ve not done anything meaningful in life. Even though I have achieved a few things, there’s always a nagging feeling telling me I’ve not done enough. I should be ashamed of myself.
Being a first child is to deal with constant comparison to other children and lay examples for your younger ones. I have always had to be responsible. There is simply no room for mistakes or to live “wild, young and free”. I have always had to plan my future, always thinking of the next thing and never truly enjoying any phase of my life. I am constantly reminded I have younger ones that will depend on me, so I have to “know what I am doing”, and that particular phrase has defined my whole life.
I am always quick to move on from anything perceived as a win. For every milestone I achieve, I have planned the next ten wins that should come after. I don’t give myself room to take a breath and pat myself on the shoulder for a well-done job. Until I realize that I am draining myself, I am overworking, and my mind is constantly on overdrive for the next best thing. I am always seeking constant validation to prove that I am up to the task, to prove that I am responsible. No matter what I achieve or how long I have been pursuing that dream. It is forgotten when it sets on my palm, and I start chasing the next thing.
Earlier this year, I started to unlearn this toxic behaviour. I began to see life as a never-ending race that if you don’t stop to catch a break, you will just breeze through everything and never enjoy a moment. You will always be in a continual search for the next big thing without savouring the present phase of your life.
As philosopher and singer, Timaya said, “see this life, I can’t kill myself” I have decided I will stop pushing myself to the extreme. I will start fighting any self-doubt in me. Atchyphobia- fear of failure will not rule me anymore, and I will take my life step by step and enjoy every moment.
People will keep achieving big things, but it doesn’t make my achievements worthless. It doesn’t deem me unworthy. I have stopped letting “you have younger ones behind you” rule me. I’m not the one that brought them into this world, so I don’t have to live my life as an example for them.
I have taken charge of my life and stopped letting the fear of the unknown rule me, and if you can relate to this, I urge you to live on your terms. Don’t let unreasonable fear control you. Do your best and let nature run its course. Don’t push yourself; you don’t have to prove shit to people. Just breathe live life, and enjoy every moment of your life.