18/19 years (A Lot)
I turned nineteen today. Nineteen. It sounds like an uncommon number. It’s not one of those easy-sounding ages people like to ascribe to milestones, events.. sweet sixteen, just hit 21!
I remember my ninth birthday. Pulled awake by my dad at midnight to be asked, ‘what do you want’ ‘I want a pink PSP.’ I woke up to a sparkly one. I take my birthdays seriously. With all joy and excitement, it’s the most anticipated event of the year. And I make sure to let every family member know this!
I have always been this way; Eagerly counting down the months, days, then seconds. And with each midnight clock announcing May 26th, everything within me explodes (then I remind my room that Johnny Drille wrote bad dancer for me).
How does one describe their past age? Or anything for that matter? How do people say things like ‘perfect’, ‘absolutely beautiful’ to describe an entity, when in its very origin and nature all things except God are destined to be flawed. If not, we wouldn’t need Him.
Eighteen? Eighteen was a lot. Savage said it best when for more than 21 times he answered, a lot.
20 years from now if I think of me at eighteen, the first image would probably be concealed tears flowing. Am I glad it’s over? I have learnt (and still learning the hard way) that problems don’t go away when you move, running away doesn’t work, self-pity doesn’t move the universe. I threw a lot of those- pity parties, where I let my brain replay the movie ‘My Life’ on repeat, pausing and rewinding every single tragic scene to co-exist with the present.
As much as I would love to say happy thoughts are the magic cure to depression, I found out last age they’re not. At least not the way I expected. They don’t even make for good poems. The red petals to this thorn are that, you are never given more than you can handle. Read that line again.
Every experience is woven to somehow be an expression of who you are meant to be, or what you are meant to fight as destiny.
If there is anything I am most grateful for at this age (18/19), it is friendships. I think friendships are the most beautiful forms of relationships to exist. For every sad moment, I had five more happy moments to live in, all with a friend. I have found lovers in different people I would never wish to give up. I prayed for friendships this year. Because each time I thought of them I was warmed with the reminder that I was not alone. I enjoyed being there for people, seeing their faces lit up with my conscious efforts to care and I laughed and smiled because the same was done for me, over and over again.
Nineteen feels like a breath of fresh calm air. A break from the rollercoaster that was eighteen. I still like the in-betweenness it affords- longer tastes of adulthood with the option of returning home to my mother’s food.
My hope is this new age is filled with goosebumps, laughter and less tears.