One step at a time

One step at a time

May 13,2020

Excitement wouldn’t do justice to describing how I feel – super-excited is the word, if there is a word like that. It’s the 20th day/21st night of Ramadan and I had started to think of the numerous acts of worship I would engage in, I anticipated the peace I would feel after the night. I’m not really a sprikoko, but I wanted to make sure I spent the night well.

It was this excitement that I carried into the sitting room but no one seemed to notice me as they were in a world of their own. I noticed Dad’s eye was kinda red.
“What happened?”

“My stressful day happened!”; he snapped.

“It’s better you go to bed, I’ll wake y’all up by 3am o.”; I said to no one in particular.

I sauntered into my room, which doubled as the female’s room because I shared it with my sister.

I tried to fall asleep while pressing phone and mumu me was wondering why sleep wasn’t coming.

At 12 midnight, I was already pissed off by not being able to sleep and I transferred the agression to my kid sister, screaming at her to sleep. What is a child still doing awake by this time? I thought.

I finally decided that I had watched enough of the comedy videos on Facebook and plugged my phone into the socket, hoping that Nepa will bring light while I’m asleep.

I still couldn’t sleep and began to roll from left to right. I soon became a nuisance to my sister,who kept grumbling at my disturbance.

I didn’t even know when I fell asleep, and I probably was just getting to enjoy the sleep when I heard my Mum waking us up at 4am for Tahajjud and Sahur.

Haha! So fast!; I thought. I told my Mum I would do the dhikr in my room, just so that she’ll leave me alone…and I soon drifted off after muttering a few Adhkar, emi omolomo.

I’m not sure about the series of actions that led to me opening my eyes; but as soon as I could see the ray of lights streaming through the window panes, I knew I wasn’t starting the day on a good note.

The room was an eyesore – I must confess. Ugh… it’s morning!
I managed to crawl out of bed and walked down to the living room. I sat on a chair – staring blankly at my siblings, obviously my brain was still booting..lol

It takes several minutes to be mentally awake, honestly. I managed to get up, then walked ‘ziggy-zaggy’ to the mirror adjacent to my daddy’s room.

I leaned forward, stared back at the figure in the mirror. “What…ugh!”; I was shocked. “Really?”; I looked dishevelled.

My hair was messy, made me feel like a mad woman. Looks aside, I wasn’t alright on the inside.

“Is something wrong with me?”; I asked myself.

Maybe I’m not normal. Is it really my fault that everything feels like it’ll drive me crazy?

What about the silly mistakes of the past that keep recurring in my brain and won’t stop haunting me?

Is it my fault that nobody understands and I don’t have the strength to explain?

Is it my fault that everything is too much to do?

“Okay…so..stop!”; I tried to calm down. I collapsed into the chair and tried to breathe. “Just relax babygirl…will you?”; I told myself.

I made a mental note of what I needed to do. It wasn’t clear but then something has to be done. I will have to take it one step at a time.

I went back to the room and sorted out the clothes flying all over. The dirty ones in the laundry basket, the neat ones in the wardrobe – of course the ones that are neither clean nor dirty will be on the chair…ugh!

Oya! Time to sweep the whole room. I had my bath and got some clean clothes on, tried packing my hair neatly. Of course I made tea and ducked some bread inside…a baby girl ‘cannot comman kill herself’.

Sometimes all you need to do is take one step at a time, do one thing at a time and live a day at a time. Don’t think too far! Be kind to yourself

*Omolomo- Yoruba colloquial.
Dhikr- remembrance of God
Tahajjud- Midnight prayer
Spirikoko- Yoruba colloquial*

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