Have you ever asked yourself what is the source of your insecurity?
Being insecure means you feel threatened or you are being threatened. There seems to be awareness and knowledge of what is the cause of insecurity. However if like the government you think the cause is robbers then you are looking at the agent of insecurity, not the cause.
To support you in the journey to ‘saying I am secure about’. I will start by talking about the insecurity loop.
Someone said something
Every insecure thought about yourself originates from somewhere outside you. What makes them so personal and believable is the fact that they jar us. They penetrate our deep sense of self. They become identifiers rather than experiences.
We interpreted what they said
At that moment when they said something, you felt deep pain. Since every emotional experience has a physical dimension you probably felt like they took a knife straight through your chest. Your alarm bells go off. You see blood. The pain travels around your body. You get saved. The scar remains.
Everything about strong emotional experiences is memorable. That’s why figuratively speaking emotional experiences have very strong physical counterparts. Leaving huge scars. Which we learn to hide from the outside world. No one should know you are scarred.
When in hiding everyone is a suspect
As you hide your scar you strangely start to think that everyone can see it. That is the crazy thing about things we chose to hide. They torment us more than they torment those from whom we are hiding them.
As you hide and this scar becomes this larger than life ghost that torments you, anything that remotely talks about your scar is something to run away from. It is something to treat as an attack on your safety. That’s why we call them insecurities. They bring up a fight or flight response. You buy passwords and padlocks.
Sadly cause it is psychological you can’t remedy it from a physical standpoint. Every physical action is evidence that this reality exists. Rather than solutions, they become items that fix you in a continuous state of insecurity.
What did someone say to me?
I was 6 years in education. A young boy learning a lot of things both in class and around. I was learning that there’s something about girls that you could find desirable. The physical differences were meaning more and more each day. School was too slow for my young juvenile mind.
As a result, I got my first crush then. An Indian. One with long dark hair. A smile so beautiful, that every time she did smile her eyes watered. I remember her pink lips when I close my eyes. I still see the mole that marked them unique. Her body scent a reminder of her presence. Her uniqueness. The height of my first desirable emotional attention, Latifah.
My luck? She was my desk mate. Meaning I was the one who had her up close and personal. You see every person wanted to engage her and the universe had got me the front row seat to her. I was such a darling of a desk mate. Snacks, I will bring in plenty. Stationery, I will have for two. Stories, I would make her smile and laugh every time I had a chance. Then someone said something.
18 years later I remember being rejected. I remember feeling unworthy. The strong emotional-physical connection felt like smoke choking me. I ended labeling myself as not desirable and not worthy of attention and affection.
The interesting thing is I actually don’t know exactly what was said. In fact, as I write this I believe the younger me probably must have misinterpreted things.
As you read this reflect on what specific label you have given yourself. Ask yourself, did it come from you? Could it be false? What was I assuming? Is there really a connection between their actions and the meaning you have given them?
At the stage of my life when I was in a position to have relationships with people the insecurity kept stopping me. I felt like every person I would ever desire moving forward will reject me. I will look at their actions and validate them as rejection. This made me misinterpret even those actions that were clearly people communicating that they found me desirable.
Looking back I even realize that I subconsciously did not take time to understand the people I was interested in so that I could connect with them and form relationships. I assumed that people were either desirable or undesirable. Your actions did not mean anything.
I labeled ladies as people who ‘ only liked attractive people’. I didn’t know I was saying that I was unattractive. The loneliness was painful and comforting all at the same time.
How has your label taken you into hiding? How are your actions manifesting and recreating the label?
I am secure about
I am secure about the fact that my insecurities don’t come from me. I am secure about the fact that my body is not made to self loath or self criticize. I am secure about the fact that just like I believed in what someone else said so deeply about me, I can also say something more positive and deep about myself. I am secure that my insecurities are all misinterpretations I just have to unlearn them.