Two weeks ago, I discovered that the countless dates, the occasional cinema outings and midnight rendezvous had all been for nothing. My girlfriend of 129 weeks and two days was cheating on me with… Wait for it… Wait for it… My best friend. Sounds cliche right? Well, not to me.
Every fibre of my masculine body refuses to go down without a fight. That’s why I am on my way to a renowned babalawo’s house to get revenge.
Yes, it IS that deep.
The medicine man is, quite expectedly short and robust with huge tribal marks standing out like a cat’s whiskers on his cheeks. But he sure knows his oracle, this one. Some minutes of explaining my plight and haggling later, ( guess Ifa was hungry). I had suggested poison, insanity (maybe blowing white powder), cursing and stuff. But the herbalist, being an experienced man, had suggested something better… ‘Magun’
Definitely not what I had in mind, but it would do. Like ice-cream, it came in different ‘flavors’. There’s one that would make the other guy crow like a cock, one would make him drink from the nearest water source and even the biggest bulldozer would not be able to budge him from the spot until he drinks it dry.
Hell no. I just want to kill the guy na. I’m not evil for crying out loud.
He showed me the last one. This would make the guy somersault seven times and on the seventh, he crows and drops dead.
Okay, this would be fun to watch and so I ordered for it.
Come weekend, I offered to take my babe to the beach and, “Maybe Seye (that’s my guy’s name) tags along?” She agreed, way too eagerly, it seemed. Then she called him, speed dial ni o and he got to my house immediately, out of breath.
With the magun tucked somewhere safe and private, I drove us to the beach. We got there, bought a large beach tent and erected it a few feet from the ocean. We had fun; played a few games, swam in the ocean and took lots of pictures.
The fun was however cut short because there was an emergency at work. The sad faces and look of disappointment my babe flashed me were Oscar-worthy. They are good actors, I’ll give them that.
I told Seye to take care of bae for me. He promised to “She won’t even notice notice you’re gone” he said.
I took a detour and chose a spot from where I could see the tent clearly without being spotted.
Precisely two minutes after my ‘departure’, they entered the tent and I could picture what was going down. I smiled to myself and started counting down. In a few minutes, Seye should run out of the tent and start some Olympic worthy acrobatics. But I was surprised that when he burst out of the tent, he did not break into somersaults.
Instead, he made a mad dash towards the ocean.
Then it hit me. I had picked the wrong magun. I had chosen the one that causes unquenchable thirst.
I didn’t fully grasp the meaning of this until someone screamed. “Oh my God, that naked man is running towards the ocean.”