When the one you love is out of reach, you can’t sleep. You are constantly turning in bed wondering when day will come so you can call. Only the sound of their voice calms you. You try praying, begging God to save them. You have this out in your stomach that something is not right. Even your mind won’t give you any peace. You want to worry, but you assure yourself everything will be alright and you’ll see them on the other side. You try to do something calming. Taking a bath, the water feels unusually hot today. Try to listen to music even your eardrums hurt. You try to take a walk, it’s starts raining. It’s bad on bad. When the one you love is suffering, you suffer to. When the one you love is in pain, you are is in pain too. When the one you love is crying, you can’t cry though. You want to be strong for them. To support them. You can’t cry and make it about you. It’s only about them. They also don’t want to cry. They are trying to be strong for you. You both are trying to be strong for each other. When you can’t talk to them, you wonder. You wonder whether they are okay. When they don’t want to talk, you are not sure whether they are shutting you out or they genuinely need space and time to heal.
You have this gut feeling something is not right. You know all too well that he gut feeling is never wrong. You want to share. Tell the people you trust, tell someone but you don’t want to make it a thing. Because the moment you share, you admit it’s presence. The frightening shadow hovering over your conscience. Telling you that things are about to go very wrong. The moment you tell someone you admit that the shadow is real. That it frightens you. You acknowledge. So yeah, you don’t want to tell. You don’t need the sympathy, the ‘sorrys’, the ‘are you going to be okay texts’ because you don’t know whether things will get better. You don’t even know whether you are okay. But then not sharing eats you up. You need to share. You need to get some of the weight of you chest. You need some few words of encouragement even if you don’t believe them. You need someone to sympathise with you. You need someone to recognise your pain. Your anguish because the one you love can’t. They are suffering too.
When the one you love is out of reach, you wonder, you cry, you are in anguish. That is when you know you love them.