On a very cold July afternoon, as you are going on about your business, you receive some news you have been waiting for more than a month.
The feeling you get is not excitement or anxiety. It’s a little bit of both with a dash of low expectations and some disappointment on the side. Excitement because you hope things will be different this time. Anxiety because the state of not knowing kills you and you want to get it over and done with. Once you have become acquainted with this new information, you feel stupid for the excitement. You now know where your fate lies. You are not even surprised. You kinda expected it.
The anxiety is now quickly replaced with the disappointment. You now scold yourself for thinking things would be different. You have seen this before. You have been here before. You fail to understand why it is that you expected better results this time. You know you had done your best this round. “This won’t like last time,” you had told yourself. You try to retrace your steps, your actions. Indeed, you did your best but why was the outcome the same? See, the difference between this time and that one is that this time, you had dared to dream. That is why you worked.
The feeling of disappointment now turns to anger. Anger at yourself because you had hope. Because you had started seeing a future, and you had even planned for tomorrow. A tomorrow that wasn’t promised. A tomorrow that was left to fate and you know how fate has always disappointed you. It’s as if it was designed to always be against you because for the love of God you cannot remember a time it was on your side.
You remember the doubts you had in the beginning. How you decided to push those away and take a chance. Life is all about risks you only live once they said. What they did not say is the hurt and heartbreak risks have the potential of throwing your way once you take them. You look at the effort you put in. You now realize you were only wasting your time.
The tears flood your eyes but you wipe your eyes with the back of your hand even before a drop could get away. You refuse to let the tears fall because that would mean you are crying. Crying for a future that was not promised. This is on you. You dared to dream. You dared to hope for better. You dared to hope for new and exciting.
Now your heart bleeds. Not because of the news or the disappointment, but because the one time you chose to hope and try, you were given yet another reason not to do that again. You what is sad though? The fact that after deciding to hope, the doubt still managed to creep in. All along, you knew things would never work out. They never have and you should have known that this time wouldn’t be any different. You should have known that for some, the future remains as bleak as the past has been. You should have seen this coming.