Smiling even when you are crumbling inside is one thing you have mastered. You have a headache so intense you could barely raise your head? Smile. You just got bad news from home and you feel like sitting somewhere to cry and scream? Smile. You just got dumped by the love of your life for
something you did wrong. You expected it, you wanted it, you pushed for it because you are scared but you’re still sad? Smile. Everything seems to be going wrong? When you meet people, you’ve got to smile because it’s what you should do. Nobody should know what you are going through. Hide your stress, your emotions, you’ve got to be strong.
Don’t talk to anyone except you meet them. Even family. You hardly say anything anyway, you do not want to put a foot in your mouth. Since you won’t talk or chat with anyone, there’s no one to explain your feelings to. Keep it in. Fill your lonely hours with what you love. Read, cook, code, watch movies. Write them out; the things you want to talk about. Bleed out on that paper. Or screen. Just let it out.
When it gets too lonely, and you can’t even bring yourself to do the things you love. Or those you should, do not cry for help. Try, try to manage it yourself. Accept the blame for missing deadlines and flunking interviews. Don’t forget to smile. Joke, show your teeth. Try, try to get rid of that lethargy by involving yourself in many things. Hope that will give you motivation to do something. Stress yourself more, you’ve got to feel something; the desire to be better shouldn’t be so elusive.
There’s only so much you can take. These days, it seems as if all the forces of the universe are against you. Nothing seems right anymore. You start dropping the responsibilities, one after the other. Of course, no one notices something was wrong until you did this. How would they know? Your smiles are so brilliant. They ask, you ignore. Cracks appear in your armour, the smiles started disappearing. You start feeling teary at random moments. People see. They ask. You smile. They forget.
Then, you stopped caring. You go through life like a stump of tree. You just go through the motions like a doll. You are waiting. For what? You don’t know. You just keep hoping this numbness will go away. Maybe, just maybe you will get to smile again someday, this time genuinely.