The lane to acceptance

I just knew it; I knew at that point that I needed to salvage what is left of my sanity by reaching out of my comfort zone for help. The help I so much sought for didn’t yield forth any fruit from all and every source I turned to until I found the courage to do the needful. The needful later turned out to be the most dreaded lane I had ever treaded; it was a total defilation of the norms and beliefs I was brought up with and that was seeking out for therapy.
I made my first appointment schedule although no one had subscribed to my idea of seeking out for help and too many, my decision was just a confirmation of their suspicion about my way of leading my life. Regardless of what anyone thinks or believes to be right, I just knew I needed help; to overcome the emotional trauma I had so much gotten entangled with. I went for the first appointment session with a specific aim in my heart and it was projected towards finding the cause of me exhibiting some innate attributes that the society considers to be against the norms. In the course of the session, I said to my therapist, “I am so much combated with the waves of criticism, abuse and condemnation that I have began to view my world has been faulted. I think I am gravitating toward accepting that I have fatal flaws and these flaws have ignited in people a need to label me as being anti – social, arrogant, shy, anxious and probably depressed”. And personally, I think those terms used were just coined to make me uncomfortable within my space in order to make me fit into the status quo of being an ideal sociable individual but this strategy isn’t sinking deep into the very depth of my psyche. I just wouldn’t fit in and assume the role of a perfect being that is meant to be sociable, willing to share and express thoughts and feelings.
My therapist was like ok, I do understand where you are coming from but I want you to give account of such scenarios which had played out over time so I can evaluate and deduce what exactly we are going to be focusing on in the course of other sessions we would be having together.
So I began ………………………
On this very day, I had dutifully indulged myself in thought (what I like to call being in my head) that I was no longer aware of what was actually going on within my surrounding but that very special moment was interrupted by my mom’s incessant call of my name. And off course! I hadn’t heard any call until my door was opened; my mom’s presence totally transfixed me and without any form of address or questioning, my Mom evaluated the state she met me and with the sum up of every other scene she has in store about me, she concluded that I was never happy.
Actually, my mom declaring that I was never happy was just a tip of an iceberg until she declared a deliverance session. You know what? My mom said, “I have decided it is high time will end this foolishness that had permeated your life”. And on this day, we are declaring war against every powers and dominions that had choose to always steal your joy and happiness; at that moment, I was taken aback because I knew not where those assertions were coming from until she began the prayer crusade that lasted for about two hour forty five minutes. After the prayer ended, my Mom opened a whole new chapter entirely. The new chapter opened was totally based on her comparing me with other kids of my age group and bitter lamentations of how on earth could she have birthed a child that wouldn’t fit in. she said look at me for example, “everywhere I find myself, I light the place up with my vibe but unlike yourself, you just want to be in the background staring at everyone like a lost fool”. What exactly is your problem, so I can know what to do on your behalf? After all she has said, she finally gave her advice coupled with a list of prayer point and you know what? She kept asking if I was following through with prayer points for about a month. And at the end of it all, I never conquered or outgrew the need for space and every other attributes and this had left my Mom more confused than ever before.
Another of such scenarios is with my Dad, his way of declaring that he is displeased with me being a misfit in his household had always left me drained both emotional and psychologically. At first, his complaints were relating my need for space with being possessed. He would always get angry and the next thing you would hear him utter is this, “if you are possessed you better tell us so we can know where exactly to begin our search for your deliverance. And later on, his complaints took a trajectory for the worse and he would say to me; you know what? People like you, I mean people that behave the way you do either ends up killing themselves or someone else. As a matter of fact, I don’t know what exactly to do with you. So instead of him leaving me be in my room, he would always come to my room to force me out and then request I seat facing him while at it, I felt like gosh! Can’t I just have my peace in this house? And you know what? Other members of my family literally calls me a bastard because that was what they could deduce from their very level understanding of me and the attribute I exhibit. They would say to me, every attributes you exhibit doesn’t reflect what we are known for.
To others, I am this sad looking weird person who hardly talks and so many people confused this with being a gentle soul while others just exclaimed at the very first opportunity to see me fully engaged in a conversation. Prefers to walk alone or probably with close friends, prefers my own space and you would hardly find me talking or trying to connect with strangers or someone I am meeting for the first time. I wouldn’t be caught having a nice time in gatherings or social events; I just want to leave early, come late or rather prefer not to show up at all and so many more attributes that leaves people confused about me as a person.
My therapist decided to take a survey of me. In the end, he came up with the question, have you ever heard of the term “personality types” before and my answer was; yes I have. My therapist concluded that my therapy session would be based on how to reemerge being my amazing self i.e. overcoming the emotional trauma I had so much being entangled in without allowing myself to be swept up by the need to fit in into what the society term to be the norm. I would like to say to you that as much as everyone wants a change in the attributes you exhibit as person, personality type is not something to conquer or outgrow; it is innate. And the best you can offer yourself is to embrace yourself, acknowledge your difference and accept yourself for who you are and what you are regardless of all. This was how my journey towards living in libration began and today and every other day of my life is lived without any compulsion to fit in.

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