You logged on to Instagram after 3 weeks, and the first thing on your feed was a babe wearing the 28 inches Super Double Drawn Bone Straight, aka SDD Bone Straight aka slay mama starter pack. It was a sign. God wanted you to own one. Obviously not to impress your colleagues or to catch a big fish. He wanted you to own one so you could serve as proof to world people that one can look good even on 50,000 naira salary.
Money may be A problem, but Money isn’t reallyyy THE problem if God gat you. Do you get?
You messaged the vendor and she said the hair cost 180,000 naira.
If only you had jazz, shey you would have just used olúgbohùn before calling her to send you 3 units in different colors. Or maybe you would have used the jazz on Emefiele through his LinkedIn profile picture to get him to willingly transfer all the Money in Nigeria’s Foreign Reserve to you.
What’s your business if the dollar becomes 1000 naira as a result? Who’s helping these people spend Naira before. Mtcheew.
The vendor said you could pay in installments, and she would send the hair after your final payment. It seemed like a scam, but you glanced through her comment section and saw that a lot of people had opted for this payment plan. You had 150,000 naira in your Cowrywise account. All you had to do was add 30,000 Naira from your January salary and you were good to go. Ope from Cowrywise wouldn’t be proud of you, but at least you’ll be proud of yourself.
Who Ope from Cowrywise epp sef? She probably has a bone straight of her own.
Your rent would be due in 2 months. But you had faith that before your landlord sent you packing, you would have found a way to transform the strands of your bone straight into small blocks to build your one-bedroom apartment. Nothing too extravagant. It wasn’t totally impossible. Miracles happened in the Bible. Jesus that turned water into wine, didn’t he know what he was doing?
What your God cannot do does not exist. Or, does it?
You decided to save up sha. 30,000 naira monthly for 6 months. If you died anytime because you didn’t want to spend money, it is your next of kin that would spend your money. Knowing your sister, you could swear with your eyes that she would buy bone straight with the money and wear it to your burial.
Abeg, only the living can rock bone straight. They don’t use to wear wig in heaven.
Wait, didn’t one of these pastors that came back from the dead say she saw those wearing artificial hair in hell? Hmm.
Living on 20,000 Naira wasn’t so bad. You had to eat lots of coco pops and bananas. You also had to follow the head of your company’s Human Resources to and fro work. You had been avoiding the man because he wouldn’t stop lying about marrying you as a second wife just to get into your pants. One of the days on your way back from work, you asked him to give you 100,000 naira as the deposit on your bride price to show his seriousness. He said it wasn’t something he couldn’t do. You only had to sign a bond and drop all the originals of your certificates to show you were not trying to scam him.
Maka gini? What did we carry, what did this man throw? Because of ordinary 100k that you can easily make in a day if you were working in Canada. Mtcheew. Rubbish.
To the glory of God and shame of your ugly enemies, your money was complete in 6 months. On the day you were meant to take delivery of the hair, the dispatch rider called to tell you the rain was too heavy and his bike would get stuck in the mud in your area. He pleaded with you so he could deliver the package the next day instead.
Sir, you are carrying hair worth 300k. If you don’t want your manhood to stop working for life, please find your way here. If you will trek, trek. If you will fly, fly. My father is the most popular herbalist in Ikare-Akoko, I swear to God, I will find your full name and picture and I will send it to him if you don’t deliver my hair today today.
You sat in your room later that evening and ran your fingers through your bone straight. It was worth it mehn. See you looking like an African Queen. Hot stuff walked straight outta Vogue magazine. Toke Makinwa would be so jealous. Their respective daddies.
That night, you slept naked as usual. The only difference was that you had your wig on. This slay will start from dreamland.
So, when those men broke into your room at about 1:45 a.m, the first thing you did wasn’t to tie a wrapper. The first thing you did was to yank the wig off your head and throw it under your mattress.
Wahala may be caught unfresh but Wahala must never wear bone straight.
There were two of them. One of them was short and he had a limp. The other was taller and fat. He had a nasty body odor that soon took over your room.
The taller one started questioning you.
How much dey your purse?
Seven Hundred and Eighty Naira, sir
You no even get pure water?
I drink water directly from the tap, sir.
You no get anything for this house!
Wetin you wan make we chop.
Sir. I have beans in the pot but it’s like the salt is plenty small. Will you manage it?
He hissed and flashed you with his torch light. He burst into irritating laughter when he saw your breasts.
You sef dey follow them wear bra with this small koro wey dey your chest?
Wey your bras?
You pointed at your bag of underwear as you scrambled to tie a wrapper. Your leg hit your mattress and shifted it, leaving your bone straight in full glare.
The shorter one was flashing you with his torchlight all the while, and you could tell that he saw the hair too. He walked towards it, picked it up and walked back to the door.
The fatter man carried your pot of beans. He also took all your bras. He said he needed them more than you did.
The shorter one turned to face you as they stepped out.
You suppose don tell your herbalist papa make im make your breast bigger.
There was only one person in the entire world that would assume you had a herbalist father.