B.T.L.S

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I remember the twinkle in your eyes when you called me your little star

I remember the reassurance they communicated like you were always going to be here for me to count on

But in the blink of an eye you weren’t here anymore

You walked away, leaving us; leaving me all alone with a hole filled with tears

I remember I would sit in my room so confused and wondering what we, what I ever did

I’d ask the 7 years old girl staring back at me from the mirror,

 “are you the reason?”

I still wonder if it could be something you needed us to be that we weren’t

“Why isn’t dad here to take me to school?

Why is he not picking me up?

Where did daddy go?

He’s not here to take me to our favourite Ice cream shop, doesn’t he want to go?

Okay, I won’t throw a tantrum.

Why is mum crying so much and barely sleeping or eating?

Is daddy not coming back?”

 

Birthdays, Graduations, little wins, big fears, first love, heartbreak, you missed it all

And finally shedding off the thick skin I built around my fears of abandonment while trying to be brave for “Ome” and little princess, I realise how scarred I was as a little child and how I’d forever be

I thought time healed everything but I guess time couldn’t do this cause everyday was a painful reminder that you were gone

 

I dream of how my life would be

I imagine maybe everything would have been better if you were present; you could have been our, you could have been my shield and protect me from my fears, be my boost when I’m down, tell me I’m beautiful, smart and strong, teach me what it means when a man loves from the way you love mum and maybe scare the boys away a little

Gosh! I’m so mad at myself. It hurts all too much cause I should not feel like I need you or miss you when all you did was leave “Ome” to be all that we needed you to be, and she gives her best in doing just that…but I do; so much

I really wish I had one last hug or one goodbye instead of being stuck with the memory of coming back home from school to an unfamiliar emptiness, an emptiness I thought wouldn’t last so long because I believed you would realise just how much you miss us and come running back. I even prayed about it everyday.

Yes, you do call once in a while now but an ocean of tears hides behind the cold replies cause I no longer recognise the person you are now

It even feels a little weird calling you daddy and so I’d call you baba instead.

Broken, but deep down I know there’s nothing more that I want but to be the daddy’s little star I once was

“Why didn’t daddy stay?” She ask the now 22 years old broken twinkle little star mirroring back at her from the words she wrote on the paper that is now  filled with tears

OJ TIWA

 

 

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