TO HAVE AND NOT TO HOLD

TO HAVE AND NOT TO HOLD

I think I loved him, maybe I still do, I’ll probably never stop. He did love me too, maybe so much more than I did even. Love that I almost couldn’t comprehend. Not that there weren’t times when we struggled but we walked graciously through those times. I knew this was it, he was the one, the one I would spend the rest of my days with or at least that was what people said. Yes, people! “You guys look so good together”, “you two know each other so well”, “you lovebirds should just get married”. They were right but something just didn’t fit perfectly. At least that’s what I was told. What do mortal beings like us know anyway? God sees far ahead of us apparently πŸ˜”

I think I knew at some point that it seemed like forever that wasn’t ever going to be. But, my heart was hopeful, going against the realities my mind provided. I mean we loved each other. What could be stronger than that? What could stand against that? What could break that kind of bond that had gone beyond the platonic stuff, that had been built steadily for years?

The time drew nearer. Fear brewed in our hearts, fear that we would sometimes share but mostly not talk about. But we had to let go of what we shared – whatever that was. I had to release him to another woman. We had to go back to being “just friends”.

I felt pain; so intense, excrutiating even, one I can’t recall ever feeling before this time. My mind was blowing up. Why did I allow myself fall so deeply in love or even fall at all? Or maybe he never really loved me that way – if you know what I mean. How could I watch another take almost so easily what I had painstakingly built over the years? Will I survive this? Will I loose my friend completely? Should I let go? Should I allow hate? Do I block him off on every platform? Will that even help? Should I keep fighting for what will clearly never be mine? Will I eventually miss it? Will I find the one for me? Will I be able to love my own even more than I did him?

Questions and thoughts – millions of them lingering in my heart, all unanswered.

Purpose broke us. Apparently, what we had could be broken, shattered to cell level. Something way greater than both of us or what we shared. We had to obey. We had to heal through the hurt because we were aware of the greater gain. I cried helplessly,Β  we both did. I never knew letting go would be this hard. He was/is my friend. He was always there. One of the first humans I would call to share whatever emotion I was feeling. I would bare my heart out, I would spill my deepest thoughts without fear of judgement. Basically, be naked and unashamed.

I hope his better half will understand. I hope she steps into God’s will as we painfully have had to. I hope she will still welcome me. I hope she will let me be her friend also. I hope she’ll understand that I can’t loose this friendship, this one that has stayed for so long, that has had this much work put into it, that has grown this beautifully. I hope she’ll know that I’m committed to his progress and welfare which well includes her. I hope she knows that I would never encroach in her space. I hope she knows I’ll respect the distance. I hope she’ll know that I wish them well from the innermost parts of my being. I hope that everything will work out.

Well, of course it will. Jesus was/is in this and our lives are for Him anyway. We knew better than not to submit to His will. We knew we couldn’t handle this on our own. He is interested in our every detail, this, we were and are sure of. He loves us way too much to watch us walk in the opposite direction of purpose. We soon felt a soothing calmness – peace, the one that exceeds all human understanding. I knew I had done right by God and He was totally rooting for me. That’s the beautiful thing, Jesus never leaves you hanging. He literally holds your hands through it all.

Just reach out!

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Show 10 Comments
  1. Debby darling!!! Thank you so much for even taking out time to read. I’m glad you were able to relate. I hope this blessed you. I appreciate your feedback.

  2. Wow Ada! That was a brilliant read. You put your words together perfectly; words i felt…you put them perfectly in the best way i’d have ever imagined Just wow…thank you.

  3. πŸ₯ΊπŸ₯Ί WOW! This is a beautiful piece. Ogechi… Amaka… Adaeze I’m proud 😊

  4. Sighs… I wish I had these words written down to send to a dear friend that I lost in similar fashion several years back.
    I still pretend like I don’t miss not being with her, but of course, deep down I do.
    Welldone Amaka.
    Keep it up.
    Inspiring to say the least.
    We’ll talk about the inspiration some day when when Covid is finally conquered.
    I’m so interested in that.

    1. Heyyyy!! Thank you so much. I dont take your feedback lightly. And yes we should talk about that and catch up on all the stuff we’ve missed out on

  5. Wonderful write. Good words penned together that show deep emotions of a lost love, but the good thing is that the love is lost to God’s purpose and whatever is lost to God’s purpose will always be found in God’s plan. The character seems to be losing hope on finding another love as perfect as the love she let go. I believe the Lord who brought them together knows better and he will do the better thing that he knows. I like the fact that the character is willing to still be interested in the lost love’s life without intruding into the space of the other person. I will only advice that she allows them to be stable in their space first, before showing her interest in their progress, so she won’t be seen as a jealous intruder and while she is showing her interest too, she should be careful of the past emotions as they can turn to be current temptations. Once again, good write ma’am. Keep writing always. God bless you

    1. Hello!! Thank you very much Peter. Your feedback is really appreciated. I’m glad you could connect with the characters and understand their roles. I feel encouraged to keep writing. Thank you again

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