I’m across the sea already, on a voyage to the other side of life, where rejections are for the wrong doers and happiness doesn’t have to get paid for. The arms of the clashing waves have embraced me, plunging me into depth of soothing peace. The open sores have been been cleaned and the broken fragments, repaired. I have been made whole. Can you feel it?
I’m being touched with arms that I desperately sought to have around me; caressed with soft caring words that I never knew the meaning of. The flowers bloom in confidence; the fragrance is divine – the opposite of what was. My hands find life, as they are made to feel in the dark. I’m not scared of what comes after me each time the door slams loudly. I am satisfied.
I am the product of a mistake you made. Why was I made to bear the consequences? Mummy, I was innocent during the days you enjoyed the pleasures of a man that had no plans for you. You demanded for my presence in the world when you decided to throw all caution to the wind. How was that any of my doing?
You ranted daily of how my arrival had raptured all your dreams and aspirations. You made me feel the pain of an unfulfilled life, alongside yourself. You tossed me in different directions. I was lost and reached out for you but you only pushed me farther. Can you hear my heart break?
Your daily immersion in alcohol saw its evidence on my skin. My tears brought a smile to your face like you were being presented your favourite meal. My bruised skin was a succour to you. I was made mute with the lashes that met my bare back when I had tried voicing out. You battered me, mum.
Your lovers came in at nights, flinging me out into the dark to find support for my sleepy eyes and heavy heart. The cold of the night rocked me in my anguish; it prepared the rough and calloused palms of drunken hooligans who coerced me out of the world of purity.
Everything was a crime – from whispering too loud to looking out the window. You yelled at me each time I called you “mother”. You said I didn’t deserve to have one. My running temperature deserved only a bowl of water from you. At least, you made sure it was clean.
When you decided to get married, I walked you down the aisle like a lamb led to the slaughter; you wanted me to. I thought that was going to be different; that you finally felt enough love to share with me. Can you hear me laugh at how stupid I was?
I wasn’t willing to leave. I planned on taking it all in until you ran out of excuses to make me suffer for your wrongs. I wonder how much of it I thought I could take.
Brown curls, brown eyes, brown skin – reflections of you in me. I wish I could wipe off all of you each time they stare back at me from the mirror. They had come with me down here, but can’t hurt me anymore.
I have decided to change my hair colour and get contacts. As for the skin, I just can’t change that. The scars etched on it will be the only reminder of what I took from you; all you had to offer. It will constantly remind me not to walk the same path as you.
I promise not to make the same mistakes you did. That’s the only thing I can offer you.
I loved you so much. I still do – from afar.