What should Have Been

What should Have Been

Strong will wasn’t enough to keep me going this time around. It was done working and had been sent packing. The inevitable sat opposite me on my dressing-table, scaring the hell out of my mind. I thought I would have gotten used to it by now but it still rattled me to my core. My firm grip was loosening and there was no one to help me hold on. No one could, at least not this time around. It had succeeded in sweeping me off along with the waves of the sea, dragging my soul underneath for a feast no man could attend. I felt sorry for myself and my dreams, of which the rider had developed a fault and the passengers had no other choice but to abscond.

The Earth swayed under my feet as I reached out to knot the laces of my black boots, in the process spilling the glass of cocktail I had in my hands. With a sigh, I stood up to look at my reflection in the mirror hanging above my vanity. I wasn’t going to be sidetracked; there was no use staying put. With a fiery red gown clinging to my skin in the right places and a mop of hair swept up into a French bun with loose curls framing my face, I made my way out of the comfort my home couldn’t provide anymore.

The club was filled to the brim with sweating bodies swaying furiously against each other to the sound of loud music blasting from a huge stereo. I had almost turned to return when I recalled there was nothing available to go back to. We had agreed to meet here tonight. It was going to be my last and I was going to try to enjoy every single bit. Making my way to the bar section, I ordered a glass of whiskey and downed it almost immediately, asking for a refill. Glass clenched in my hands, I moved to the centre of the dance floor, swinging my hips, without a bit of care, to the music. It was unnerving and I was having my fun. I had decided nothing was going to stop me.

Deep pools of blue eyes stood out in the midst of the sea of people as they fastened themselves on me. They looked electric and inviting as ever, and I felt guilty for the casualty I was going to leave behind. I smiled sadly at him, wondering why he still held on to me. His eyes read a variety of emotions. Those eyes made it obvious he was every bit aware as I was of the flying sparks of electricity that pulled our minds closer, one that had molded us into an unbreakable pair during the times we had spent together. Love and the promise of a future had enclosed the inexistent barrier between us and I felt my heart clench as I remembered what I was meant to do. I couldn’t bring myself to do it earlier as I wanted to enjoy the passing time without his pity. I had promised him a future of us together with cute little things running around the house, but that image had been wiped off brutally by a force I had no control of.

Closing the distance between us with long strides, he looked at me carefully. I noticed for the first time since the beginning of our relationship that his eyes weren’t exactly blue but found no colour to even it up with. He stood almost a foot above me with a brown mass of hair I had grown addicted to. A day had never passed without me pulling my hands through it. He took me into his arms slowly with a questioning look on his face, trying to decipher the emotions he saw in mine. He held on to me tight and we stayed that way for a while, with no one really paying any attention to us. I felt warm and giddy and for the shortest moment, forgot my fears; he seemed to chase them all away. I latched onto him with all my might, not wanting to ever let go.

“I would have loved to remain this way with you but my feet are beginning to ache.” He pulled me along with him, walking admist the sweating bodies and out through the back. We sat on the floor facing a huge body of water and a comfortable silence ensued.

“I can’t seem to will my head to stop thinking about you. Who the hell are you and what did you do to me?” He said with a small smile on his face.

” I’m your angel and you are a jerk for even wanting to stop thinking about me.” I replied, moving closer. “You dare not stop thinking about me until the day I drop dead.” It was close already.

I looked into his eyes, seeing the sincerity of his heart. He was enamored and fascinated by me and had great difficulty hiding it. You could call me selfish but I wanted this badly, so much that I wept inside me wanting nothing more desperately than life.

We talked about the first day we met and our inability to take our eyes off each other.

“There was a biology going on.” That drew a loud laugh from him that disrupted the silence of the night.

He went on and on about how his parents were so excited about our engagement and forth coming wedding – flowers, venues and a honeymoon all harmonised into a future I knew I wasn’t going to be a part of. I smiled in acknowledgement, too scared to come clean with him. The picture didn’t deserve to be rumpled, at least not now.

The long-forgotten stare that had been present the day we got together worked it’s way back to us. Our eyes spoke volumes neither of us could find the words to express. And under the moonlight on the shore of the wind blowing ocean, we made love for the last time. I wept, not for passion, but for love lost, for broken hearts and for wounded spirits. I was ready to put up a fight but knew it would be worthless at the end.

He didn’t deserve to spend the remaining hours of the day at my bedside, brooding over things that couldn’t be and gazing at me with guilt and pity in those pretty eyes. “He deserves better.” I said to myself as I gathered my strewn clothes and made my way out of there quietly, while the ocean watched him sleep. Fate was cruel.

************************************

He awoke to the once occupied space beside him. Smiling at the events of the night and the promises of the next, he slowly put on his jeans. Finding a note in his pocket, he felt the whole world gradually coming to a standstill.

The note read:

“Fate didn’t give us a chance to perfect our lives and to act out our dreams. I guess it’s best. That way, you have less to hold on to. I was selfish but I couldn’t watch you wallow in hurt and pain. I felt love and happiness at its peak and I’m eternally grateful to you. The doctors couldn’t do anything more about my cancer, I’m sorry I kept it away from you. I had only yesterday left to live. I’m glad I spent it with you. Till we meet in the grave and beyond, enjoy your life and never allow the thoughts of my dead self dim that vibrancy in your eyes. I’m sorry for not being able to keep my promise of a beautiful future with you. I really wanted to.”


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